I take it you you struggled with an addiction to ice as well. First, how did you do it? Second, how
I feel that during the time I have used, only about a year now, Meth has slowly got me thinking I am better on it and I can’t do much without it… you may not relate , but how did you conquer them? I have never been a daily user of anything-alcohol, coke and more-until this drug. How do I rid myself of a daily habit that is like a monster that has Vice grips for hands?
My first bout with addiction was 20 years, mainly booze but did any/every drug when possible. Had a 6.5 year wonderful sobriety. Then I had a 7 year relapse with meth & booze. Was using over a half gram a day, either smoked or ingested, never used a needle.
Been sober again nearly 2 years.
I lasted about 4/5 months of
Smoking before the needle was introduced. I last used, after about 2 months, on Monday. I’m good, for the longest time , 2 months. Then the cravings and depression get me.
Meth was always a side kick to my alcoholism but I used for years in every way possible. It’s my first real go at sobriety and I just got 9 months. It wasn’t until 3-4 months that I finally started feeling human again. I did a 28 day program and then went to sober living in an Oxford house which really helped with holding me accountable and being around others who have gone through it.
Okay, now I have a question for a fellow person who pointed. do you ever get over wanting that insane rush when your first pushit? Sometimes I think about it and I almost legit get dragon breath and cough. Those thoughts cause the most intense craving.
Did you ever feel like perhaps the person you were suppose to be was more easily accessible while using?
Jammie, I don’t mean to get too graphic or triggering. It’s just that it’s always been the biggest thing that takes me down.
I like myself MUCH more sober.
You’re all good. Honestly I thought that way for years. I own a remodeling company and would work myself to death but loved it and thought I couldn’t do it without meth. I also played music for years while using which I swore I couldn’t do without as well. Meth ended up scattering me to a point it was hard to put back together. Honestly I have a thousand times more focus now and have started playing again with more passion than I ever did spun out. It’s kinda weird but meditating has brought me a focus and peace I never thought I’d find. Also getting a sponsor and doing the steps has really helped me address my demons. One free guided meditation is called the six phase meditation if you’re into that. It’s at mindvalley.com and has really helped me.
I mean, yeah-I think I am better at making decisions about the people I let into my life when I am sober. I am more socially accepted and definitely less pugnacious, more aware, and Mild mannered when sober. However in sobriety i have found my self awareness both a blessing and a curse. I find myself almost hyper aware, able to pick up
On the slightest change in energy and find that I have this desire to be more socially accepted rather than myself. Where as, though chemically induced and thus a false sense of, I feel more confident in myself, my thinking, and my beliefs. Is that even normal? I have an “ethos,” or “creed,” or set of principles I try to live by-I don’t stray much from it when using, but that could be a “yet.” Like I don’t hurt people for personal gain or with intent. That didn’t change when I started using, for example. Maybe I’m justifying something, I’m not sure.
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I did treatment, too. Went to Hazelden-Betty Ford, it helped a ton.
I really appreciate your openness and honesty. I did A. A. For 13 years with only one relapse after my first five years. I am very familiar. Though in my last 7 in the rooms, I started to get squirmy with resentment with, not exactly the program, but the rooms-meetings. As someone with mental Illness, I couldn’t stand the people who would go on and on about their “worst day sober is better than their best day in active addiction.” The narcissist who have groupies. And I started to find it difficult to relate because everyone shared about positive stuff and not so much about the mess. I get it. Carry the message not the mess” however , it’s very isolating and I started to feel like something was wrong with me because I felt like I was the only one with time that was struggling. I started to see how people were making suggestions about things that are inappropriate, unless a trained professional. People collecting sponcees like trophies to make themselves feel accomplished and important-all at their sponges expense. Word vomit. Sorry.
Honestly I never really hurt or used people in my addiction knowingly. After sobering up I’ve heard from a lot of close friends how worried they were for me. I’ve had a close knit group of great people most of my life and was starting to push them away towards the end. Also I super relate to being over self aware of surroundings and people. I definitely used just about everything as a social buffer and was very “successful” with that for a long time but no matter what the drugs always took over and had their way. Since working a program,which is different for everyone, my mind is still super sensitive to my surroundings but I’ve been able to use learned tools and exercises to use that to my advantage. In the last few months I’ve finally felt like my actual self which I feel I’ve searched for the last twenty years to find. It takes time and work to get control of your mind. I can promise it pays off.
I completely agree that in “the end” or right before rock
Bottom absolutely ANYTHING is possible. I guess, as of now, if I were to assess, I have not had too many terrible things happen. Or I have not done terrible things. The worst done is continuing when I know my behaviors are causing people I love to lose sleep. Which is terrible. I don’t want my life and relationships to be completely dismantled by addiction, I want to get out a little ahead of the game-if you track. However without that bottom-is it possible?
I’m so sorry to hear that. I have a few friends who have experienced similar bullshit programs. Do you have cocaine anonymous where you are? I’ve found that to be a nice medium between AA and NA and a lot less self serving trophy takers like you were saying.
At 21 I went to a residential, long term facility for a year. It was amazing and life changing. However I feel like so much has happens and so much time has passed that I forgot everything I learned from there. Unfortunately, they don’t take insurance, and since my relapse, my family won’t help. Apparently, it’s about perfection and not
Progress with them. I have tried places that take state but it was so bad, they withheld food as punishment, offered only 3.4 hours of treatment-absolutely no other groups throughout the day. It was chalk full of people avoiding sentencing or court mandated. There were fights and floor staff were deplorable. One told my roommate to kill herself. I am aware, recovery can happen in a place like that-so long as it is wanted, though it was so far from anything I had ever experienced and out of my comfort zone that I didn’t feel safe. 
I feel I am mostly on my own
I hear Betty ford is great-my aunt went there. She did relapse soon after and died by suicide; however in her time there she told
Me that she found it inspiring.
I am, luckily, located in the heart of Columbus, Ohio, I can find any kind of meeting, if I got
Off my a$$and did the work 
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I didn’t hit rock bottom for sure but was headed there. So kudos for realizing the path before taking the dive. I did the Serenity Program which is part of the Stout Street Foundation in Colorado. I’m pretty sure they take Medicaid. It was very straight forward and super intensive but got my mind to where I needed it for the start of this crazy journey. Know you’re not alone and feel free to message me anytime.
I hope you find something that will work for you. There are as many pathways to recovery as there are people, may you find yours.