NOT DEAD:warning:
So I posted in one of my photoshop groups asking them to kindly help me face the GRIM REALITY of my addiction if I go out one last time. I suffer from denial. At some point in my childhood, I started ‘stacking bricks’ each time I felt hurt, scared, or experienced trauma. Overtime, I stacked my bricks high enough to create this giant wall that blocks any negative feelings, like fear or sadness. I have even dismissed my own severe health issues and refused to grieve the deaths of close friends. So I added some drugs to the mix, with the hopes that I’d feel better. Drugs are good at doing just that: numbing everything. That’s why most of us used them, right? Unfortunately, even after you stop the drugs, that numbing effect still lingers, like the heaviness of a hot humid morning; weighing you down, suffocating you slowly. Although some of us would rather stay stuck there than face the uncomfortable, the truth is — nothing changes if nothing changes. We must put forth effort; challenge ourselves. I cannot continue with my recovery unless I “get out of the humidity” and deal with my trauma.
I definitely feel this. I blocked all those negative feelings at all costs! The substances and compulsive behaviors were great at making everything tolerable…until even they couldn’t shield me from the pain anymore. Getting to that point where there no where to turn to is such a lonely and demoralizing feeling. However, I need all that pain, all that failure, and all that shame to become willing to do something about it. I’ve learned more about myself the past 178 days than I did in the previous 20,530 days (56 plus years) of my life. I’ve learned you gotta feel, so that you can learn to deal and begin to heal. Oh yeah, that photoshop pic is pretty cool in a fu(ked up way! I like it! It’s reality if we choose not to deal with ourselves. May we be blessed with the strength and the courage to be fearless and honest with ourselves so that we can learn to live in peace 
Wow! Thought provoking. Thanks for this imagery. This is real life.