But I think that's as far as I'm gonna make it... I think I'm going to use today. I can't seem to get the impulse to use out of my system. It's been hours since I woke up with the urge to use. I've taken the kids to school and to the Dr and ran some errands. But the desire to get some meth is stronger than ever right now. I texted my guy. He has it and is available. Idk I just want something to tell me to stop. Not someone. But something. Something inside myself. Something inside my heart and my head that kills this impulse and desire to use.
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Don’t do it.
“Selfishness self centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles”
You are responsible for your children. They depend on you. Don’t do it for their sake. Just for today.
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I go to NA zoom meetings everyday. But I need some literature. I need some work to do to refocus my mind on healing vs hurting.
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What if the "thing" that tells you to stop is your kids being taken from you? Think that through. I was taken from my drug addicted parents when I was 11 and ended up in terrible, really really really terrible foster homes.
Think outside yourself. Your kids, if nothing else, depend on it.
Also, lose "your guy's " number. Do you want this (Sobriety) ? Give yourself a goddámn chance.
There's so much ruin just waiting for you to think it might be okay to use. Please don't, I hope yourself you find the voice that wants everything to continually improve and doesn't want to forget why. Please consider what Matt and Taylor have said here. There's so much beauty in life that we don't have to throw away.
Delete the numbers. As hard as it is, do it. All the times I tried previously (and failed miserably) I never deleted their numbers. This time around I deleted every single one. I even told dude that I was going to call the cops on him and blow up his whole operation if he ever came back to my house again. Looking back I was probably crazy to say that but honestly I was fighting for my husband. I was fighting for my children. I was fighting for my life. You recognizing and reaching out is a step in the right direction. You’re a fighter, keep fighting, and you’ll survive. Give up and it will kill you. Do it for you. And hold your babies, my daughters birthday is tmrw and she’s full time at her moms because of my actions, we lost custody and her mom won’t let us see her. I won’t even get to wish her a happy birthday. Hold your babies like it’s the last time you will see them. I would have done things differently if I knew that was the last time I was going to see mine.
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Sorry I just saw this was from yesterday. I hope you are okay.