I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on the past three years and being sober. I remember so vividly in Dec 2019, just feeling physically, psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted from drinking. I knew I had a problem with alcohol and more importantly, I realized drinking did nothing to help me with real-life problems. At best, it helped me avoid problems, but more often than not, it made me feel worse or led to spending more money on booze or drunken nights making Amazon purchases. All of this was really because my job was falling apart (and I used alcohol to cope), and the company was going into budget crisis. Friends at work went into self-preservation mode, and there were a lot of behind-closed-door conversations, and opportunistic individuals took advantage and preyed on organizational leaders. I was placed on the terminate list or reduction in force list. I was a scapegoat. Covid just amplified all of these work problems. So before COVID hit and before my last day at work, I was already committed to making a life change. Thank goodness, I think the covid isolation would have put me in the hospital if I was still drinking. I got help from my doctor, found a therapist and started working out. It wasn't easy (detox is physically debilitating and you might need medical care to get you through it safely), but I knew in my gut now or never. Its still hard, because as a gay man a lot of my friends and our activities revolve around alcohol. Today, my struggle is more about getting people to enjoy life without me drinking in their presence. Drinking and social pressure is real. It's so weird, I use to spend hours playing games with friends around the holidays, but now it's just awkward. I tell people I'm not judging, "do you." Now evening social plans wrap up earlier or no longer happen, but that's fine. My partner still drinks and that is also hard, I just try to support and show care, but that can be challenging. Now, I feel clear minded and feel congruent with my old self. I still do therapy and work out. I try to find joy in my work, the weekends, and during the holidays. I don't think about alcohol very much outside of therapy, triggering moments, and when stress levels get high. Stressful moments like shopping in a busy Target, yep that's a trigger. A rum and coke sounds fantastic in those moments. But I know one glass will lead to a handle and so on... So I just wanted to share this little ramble only to let you know you can do it. It's not easy. Do it for yourself because you deserve it. Find your supports. Find a way to nurture your body. If you have a partner, love them. If they still drink encourage them to change, but one day you might need to pivot. That's a hard thought, but prioritize yourself. You must refill your cup before you help others. Cheers to three year and thanks for reading my ramble.
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