Hello! I'm new here, it's nice seeing fellow recovering addicts here to support each other. My name is Tristan, and it'll be my 4 months tomorrow!
So...I'm having a hard time.
I'm on step 9/10/11/12, and I lost my sense of urgency. I honestly have been putting my recovery on the back burner.
I'm on page 60 of the BB and am starting to realize that I need to go back and fully dive into step 4.
I think I avoided most things that would cause me pain if resurfaced. I'm starting to fall into old habits again that cause me fear.
One is calling off of work and not wanting to be there when I am at work.
This makes me terrified because I love this job, and I can finally pay my bills, save, and be useful.
I feel that I have a purpose, and I am depended on greatly.
I fear not having time for myself to do the things I need/want to do, and seeing my girlfriend who I only get to spend time with on the weekends, which I'm usually working 2 pm - 1030 pm... so I made time by calling off. (Only called off twice so far). I feel guilty about lying about skipping.
I'm not sure how to get that drive, motivation, and passion back. Nothing changed, except one weekend I had off, and I forgot how much I missed having that time.
In my past jobs, I would call off frequently, I was a hard-worker in anything I did- but my attendance always did me in. I've never been stable in a job, or life really, and now I am but I'm seeing my old behaviors come creeping up and I'm lost at how to manage these feelings and fears.
Can anyone relate or send some advice my way?
Thanks!
I can def relate! Do you have a sponsor to help you with step 4? It’s a tough one if you’re completely honest but step 5 brings such peace. Maybe you should consider speaking to a therapist, sounds like you might be experiencing some depression. Everyone in the rooms of AA can relate to this stuff. Don’t be afraid to share, you never know if you might be helping someone else
Tristan, I can relate.
How many meetings do you attend each week?
How often do you talk with your sponsor?
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you stalled at page 60. “What an order! I can’t go through with it”
I suggest you ask your HP for help and the willingness to continue. This is a life and death program. Seems like things are getting better. Don’t let the disease destroy your progress.
I did do steps 4 - 10 already but I am feeling I missed key things in my initial step 4. I do not feel depressed, I used to be very depressed. I do have a therapist as well who has seen great improvements with me these last 4 months. Especially regarding my MDD. I currently still do not have my license after 4 years because when I got my 2nd OWI (I blew a .09 and was in my friends driveway with the keys in the ignition), I gave up and shortly after, started to drink myself to death. So I attend online meetings, I did the 90 and 90 but the group I was attending became toxic and I haven't heard from my sponsor. The thing is, I can go through with it and want to. I have researched and had help with every method of how to do step 4, I even bought workbooks. There's just something, missing maybe?
I'm not sure.
Before I got my second OWI, I was hardly drinking. Maybe a few beers every month. Becoming isolated due to losing my license, then covid hitting, formed my alcoholism. I'm not blaming anyone but myself, I do not wish to drink again. I just do not know what I'm missing or not doing or something?