41 days today. My last relapse it felt like forever to get to even my 30 day mark, this time it feels like the days are flying by. Maybe because this time I’m trying to actually surrender and take suggestions. I can’t get to in person meetings so instead of making excuses I make zoom meetings at least once a day. And this weekend I got my first official sponsor. I’m both excited and nervous for what this experience will be like. I believe my recovery this time is a lot smoother than my other try’s because I’m actually doing what I’m supposed to and staying active in my recovery. I know once I get cocky and say I got this and try and do less meetings, not using my sober apps, etc the disease the addiction will sneak right back in and grab me. I’m 37 years old with a 4 and 5 year old who need their mother. My 5 year old son is disabled so he needs extra attention. I need to be here for them and give them a childhood they deserve. I need to do this for me and my own mental and physical health. I’ve beat myself up mentally and physically long enough in active addiction. Enough is enough. I want this so bad
Rebecca! Woohoo! Congrats on 41 big days! I hear it in your words how much you want this! Thank you for sharing! You helped me today! Your share is a reminder to all that read it that our sobriety works really well for us when we fully engage! My hats off to you and your determination! Remember one thing you get to keep what’s freely give to you when you give it away. When your time comes help another addict who still suffers.
Have a wonderful day filled love and peace within. God bless
Thank you so much that means a lot they I made an impact on someone’s day. I look forward to the day I can give what I have learned. I’m a giver by nature. I love that you say you can feel how bad I want it but at the same time it makes me feel like a phony I remember both times I went to rehab only a few months apart people said I was the one who was definitely gonna make it on the outside cause I wanted it so bad and made it known. I feel it all throughout my body how bad I want it, but if I wanted it that bad why have I relapsed several times this year.
You’re welcome 
I believe that relapses are a way for us to either fall off completely or learn from them. Those are the two results from relapse. I too, was one who had relapsed after going to treatment and not fully engaging myself or taking my disease seriously. It took me losing my wife, home, pride and ego to realize that I needed to change. I thought of myself as someone who never lies. Wow what I lie that was! Ha ha. This time I’m more determined to stay sober then anything I’ve ever put this much energy towards. I have to treat this disease as a do or die situation. If I do drugs-I die. If I do sobriety-I live. That’s it for me. I had to tell myself that whatever I was doing or thinking before has to change 100 percent. Trust me here it ain’t always peaches and cream over. I’m sure you can agree. But when we turn towards our inner self, looking inside deep, to find the hurt inner child, we then can tell ourselves we are sorry for what we did or what was done to us. And with that forgiveness is born. I can now begin the healing process. I’ve given myself to a God, the God of my understanding, so that I can live my new found life in peace. I will do what’re it takes to keep what was freely given to me by going out and helping others. Not only the ones who still suffer from this awful disease, but to my communities around me. I can cry now with joyful tears knowing that I’m going to be alright as long as I stay sober.
To comment on your last sentence. “Why have I relapsed several times”
Very early on I kept asking the clinicians that same question, why? Why? Did I think I can do meth again and get away with it? The clinicians all told me not to worry about the why. It will come to you when your ready to receive it. To focus on the now, this moment at every moment from here on out. Once I grasped that concept a huge weight was lifted. I stopped living in the past(depression) and started living in the now. Eventually I did figure out why. I had subconsciously planned my relapse. When all the stars aligned I was off and running. Nothing could have stopped me other then divorce, asylum and being forced out of my home. The why doesn’t matter this early on. Stay in the moment. Learn the message. Do your step work. Carry the message. The good will follow.
I’m so mad I just wrote you the longest reply venting and all and the app lost it
Would you like to be one of my sober support buddy’s?
I most certainly would love that
And would be honored
Tha
I’ve had that happen to me a few times. I believe that our higher power helped by not allowing that message to be sent… it’s ok. You can direct message me anytime
How do I direct message you
I can’t believe I typed all that for nothing
Hi Rebecca, sorry you lost your big response. Hiccups suck when it comes to tech. To dm Kevin you will need to go to his profile and add him as a friend. Once he accepts you can dm each other.
Thanks hun I figured it out
Fantastic
And yes it just sucks because I was sharing something that has been on my chest for awhile I finally let it out and it was all for nothing. Gotta just suck it up can’t change it now