7 years ago my life changed forever. I still count it as the biggest and best decision I’ve ever made and sometimes I still can’t even believe it happened
I had no idea what my life would turn out to be and I didn’t care much. I was more concerned with what party I would be attending or which occasion I would be celebrating and how extravagant it could be, one day at time until those days became years.
Essentially I had built my life around drinking. It defined so much of who I was. I used it to socialize, to allow me to let loose and make careless decisions, and be spontaneous. I used it to bond with new people and make new friends. I counted myself as a part of so many different friend circles and finally had the popularity I always wanted, thanks to alcohol. I used it as a reward at the end of a long day and I used it when I was heartbroken over girls.
That’s what I found myself asking 7 years ago today. Or rather, who was I with alcohol in my life? Alcohol no longer did all the things I thought it did for me. When I saw the truth, I realized alcohol had helped me ruin relationships and friendships, it had caused me to be seen as unreliable, embarrassing, untrustworthy, and lost. But worst of all I felt like there was something deeply wrong with me. I felt like everyone else around me could find the balance between drinking just enough and not too much, yet I never could. I felt defeated over and over again, desperate to figure it out, and overwhelmed with failing every time
My recovery has been an awakening. An unlearning of all the deeply-held beliefs I had around alcohol, around partying, and around healing. It has become an uncovering of trauma, of putting the puzzle pieces together of my life, watching myself break open and come back together with each experience that requires healing. It can feel raw and unbearable at times, but the alternative - going back to alcohol - has been removed from my repertoire of life coping skills. Meaning, I have learned that alcohol do nothing I thought it did, and therefore I see no point in taking a drink any longer. The truth has been revealed. But more than that, sobriety has been the gateway to me living my deepest and most full life.
They say every 7 years your cells regenerate and you become new again. That you shed your old self and move forward into a new 7-year cycle. This might be part old wives’ tale, but for this, my 7th year in recovery, it resonates
Every year in recovery has been different, but this year especially. I am different. I feel calmer, wiser somehow, and willing to be untamed. I have quit fearing myself and started trusting myself.
Grief still hurts. Feelings are still big. Life is never perfect. But I am no longer under the guise that alcohol could add anything to my life. I am in tune with my body and the way it experiences the world. Recovery is my guiding light. This unraveling has been painful and wonderful, as I’m positive it will continue to be.
Over these last 7 years I’ve become someone else, or I’ve become who I was always meant to be
If you're sober or trying to get sober, I hope these words help you. And if you aren't sober or don't want to be, I hope you've gained a nugget or two of knowledge from what I've learned over the 7 years of sobriety.
Love you all!!!