80 days since my relapse / breakup. I’m proud of myself for staying the course, starting a new job and running more miles than I have in my entire life. My biggest issue is beating myself up over what I could’ve done differently. I struggle with impulsive behavior but what I’ve come to realize is deep down I’m hurting for all the pain I’ve caused due to my drinking. Self inflicted as well as pain I’ve caused others. In sobriety I’m able to handle my emotions better and have a bit more clarity but my most recent relapse and breakup still causes me a great deal of pain and I find myself vindictive and seeking revenge which I know isn’t healthy.
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Jekyll and Hyde. I work a 12 step and have a sponsor. Part of me is good, caring and supportive who does his best to live a healthier lifestyle. The disease and character defects I struggle with not only push others away but, hinder any personal growth because this flawed way of thinking is desperately trying to fight back against any positive change.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated