I have a person. This person makes me blush, he makes me roll my eyes while hiding my smile. He stays up too late with me to watch one more episode of our favorite show. He insists on being little spoon. He washes dishes and makes a mess. He rolls around in the yard with my dogs and kids. He calls me his little China doll. He comes to bed before he's tired so we have time to lay down and talk. He plays records while he cleans, he take breaks to make me dance with him. He buys me coffee on Saturday mornings. He calls me every single day when he's leaving work. I'm a priority.
Hes lost himself to drugs. And I miss him. And over the years I've refused to let him go. Because I know how good he is, and how great he is capable of being. But everytime he hurts me I lose part a of myself, the part of me that wants to hold onto him and there is now barely anything left.
I feel like this is really the end, I've begged him so many times to come back to me and I dont have any more of that to give. He broke me. The constant pain is too much. All the trust is gone. He doesn't love me enough. Not like I love him. I love him enough to stay and fight through the pain he caused for so many years, and it wasn't enough. He numbed it all with drugs. I felt every heartache and he felt high. I cried myself to sleep and he smoke or snorted away the pain. I felt lost and empty and broken and he felt nothing. I'm not me anymore and you are not him. You took pieces of me along the way, such small pieces I didn't even realize it at first until it was too late.
I hope you find yourself. And I hope I able to get back to myself.
I love and miss who you were. I miss him so much.