Looking back at some of the posts I made on here years ago made me a little sad, to see how hurt I was and how hopeless I felt and to be able to look back at that now with a different perspective. Back then (3/4yrs ago) I didnt really want recovery, i wanted to keep doing things my way and expected things to get better. I wanted everyone and everything to do what i wanted. Since then so much has changed, I still struggle with control and living life on lifes terms but I feel much freer than I did back then. Never able to go much longer than 24 or 48 hours sober, trying to do things on my own will power alone! Today, for the first time since ive been on this journey i can breathe knowing i have 2 months and some change sober. Because this time I wanted it for myself and this time I have a higher power to lean on, I have support from many and I know I’m not alone in this fight! Part of me thinks, “thats not that much sober time” but it is a lot for me. It really is, and to be able to step into this without having to go to jail or the hospital or something else terrible happening was a miracle. I definitely got to the point where i didnt have hope, I’d heard “some of us have to die so that some of us can live” & I just kind of accepted that I was one of the ones that was going to have to die. By the grace of god I have a new path today. It’s not easy, I’m new to all of this recovery stuff & still find many many challenges with being emotionally sober and living life on its terms but I feel like I can breathe in this moment and thats a blessing. I spent the day in my head a lot and kind of ungrateful but after speaking to my higher power throughout the day and hearing some very encouraging words from others in the program I feel more confident than I ever have. I am grateful and I am blessed. We do recover but its a one day at a time battle for any one of us who struggles. The time we have under our belt doesnt matter and I’ve come to realize that because it can all be at a loss in a moments notice. Needless to say, there is hope for all of us no matter how far gone we may feel we are, and its our job to share that message with everyone else who shares our common struggle❤️
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No one talks enough about how scary healing feels. But you’re still here. Still trying. That’s a kind of brave people don’t always see. Congratulations!
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