HOW LIFE WAS
I grew up in a loving home, went to
church, lived life to the fullest I could. I
was in acting and modeling at an early age,
in Southern California. Then life changed
from peace to bad. I was sexually abused
as a boy. A lot of issues would begin, in all
levels of life.
My alcoholic career likely began around
the age of 14 or 15. As a curious boy, I
found myself in a beer fridge and wanted
to taste and experience what it was all
about. I opened a can and took my first sip,
and boy, did I spit it out! A few years later,
I discovered liquor and fell in love with the
taste of rum and the Long Island Iced Tea.
I abandoned beer and made Long Island
iced tea my drink of choice, my poison, if
you will.
I wasn’t a regular drinker, even after that, I
was primarily a social drinker at events
and would sneak alcohol whenever I
could, at any opportunity that presented
itself. As I mentioned, I wouldn’t drink all
the time or at all. It would be days, weeks,
months, or even years that would pass
without me picking up an alcoholic
beverage. I had bottled up all this anger,
shame, confusion that happened as a boy.
I need to numb myself some how.
However, when I turned 21, I found
myself partying in Las Vegas. Had a
spacious suite, liquor, beer, money, and
everything I could think of. But I soon
realized that the people there were there
solely because of the free drinks and
booze. Once that was all gone, I woke up
to an empty suite, and in my heart, a lonely
desperation set in—a desperation for
connection and belonging.
Before I continue, I want to emphasize that
I would never become an alcoholic or
drink liquor because of the way I saw
some people handle their alcohol.
I witnessed people vomiting, passing out
on the table, and vomiting all over it. I
found it disgusting and judged them. Little
did I know that later in life, here I am, an
alcoholic. There’s a saying to be careful
what you say or what you wish for. At that
time, my thoughts were consumed by
judge mentalism and negativity.
In 2010, I was in a state of deep loneliness,
both mentally, physically, and
emotionally. I quickly became an alcoholic
at that time, even though I didn’t think I
was because I bought a bottle of rum along
with drugs and medicines, intending to end
my life. Alcohol led me down a path of the
biggest despair I could have ever
experienced in my life, and I thought that
was the end.
So much darkness and negativity would
follow in the years to come. Id begin to
have emotional and mental breakdowns.
Later on I would be diagnosed with many
mental illnesses. Lots of close people
would begin to die, from 2014 to 2017. I
did not result to alcohol to numb. Speed up
a bit. We’re now in 2018, attending my
brother’s wedding.
Beer and liquor are everywhere, and I
managed to control myself even then. I
would find out a year or so before 2024, I
could not drink Long Islands or liquor
anymore. I would get sick and throw up.
So I resulted to the last result. Beer… Why
couldn’t I control myself in 2024? Why
did I meet police officers two times at the
beginning of the year and two in the
summer?
What led me to drink was a ending of am
engagement a year before. The negativity
of that person and up to the start of
drinking end of feb 2024. So I thought,
that was the issue. The blaming of others
started…
There were two instances in the summer
and two more in the fall. The first two
times, I was stopped by the police because
I was swerving and I told them because of
the construction, I had an unopened can of
beer in my car that I had drunk and tried to
hide. They let me go.
In February 2024, I found myself blacked
out and drunk on the side of a rental car
exit near Dallas Love Field airport. People
called the police, and I was told I wasn't
going to be arrested or my car towed and
to get anUber. Did the illusion of my
ability to handle my liquor mean I thought
I could when I couldn’t?
The delusion was
that I could handle my liquor and finances
when I couldn’t. I spent most of my
savings at bars and clubs in Dallas, Texas.
The delusion led me to ignore the red flags
and nudges from my higher power, only to
realize I was slowly becoming
uncontrollable.
I would buy 34 can cases of beer for my
dad and me. I would drink it within a day
or two, and he would only have a few. I
would go to bars and clubs, I would be
blacked out somewhere. I would wake up
like the Pirates of the Caribbean drunk and
discombobulated, trying to figure out what
happened. Fast forward to June 20, 24. At
the end of June, I was arrested for public
intoxication.
The police even said they would drop the
charges for stealing six-pack of beer.
Knowing myself, I knew I had paid for
that, but I was so in a blackout that I
couldn’t even remember. I spent six hours
in jail, praying and saying, “Oh God,
please, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” Bla
bla bla and so it went.
Two days later, I found myself in a
precarious situation, arrested for a DWI.
My afternoon had taken a turn for the
worse as I embarked on a binge drinking
and driving spree. I would drive, drink,
and repeat the cycle at different gas
stations throughout the hours. Hunger
eventually piqued my interest, leading me
to stop at Sonic for a bite to eat. However,
my troubles were far from over as I was
suddenly apprehended by the police.
They had received a call from a concerned
employee who had witnessed me
intoxicated, with an unopened can of beer
in my cupholder. The officer was told by
the employee that they were
understandably apprehensive and feared
for my safety and the safety of others on
the road. As I was led away, I underwent a
series of sobriety tests, which revealed a
mix of successes and failures.
I would find out later, my blood alcohol
level was 2 times higher than the legal
limit in Texas. Now given 18 months of
probation, community service, a
breathalyzer in car, fees up the ying yang.
Was it worth it? I believe I understand now
what made me an alcoholic and say It was
worth it. I would have to learn the hard
way, in every level and if that was to save
my life and help others, it was worth and is
worth it.