Been sober 4 weeks now. Doing good but wife, who is a heavy drinker, just dropped bomb on me, as I came home she received a call from her ex husbands brother asking him to sponsor her, she didn’t tell me.
I find this crossing so many boundaries. She seems to have a “connection” with him. Hm.
What do you think? Any advice?
I think the phone call was about an hour and half, from what I could tell pouring it all out to another man - hurtful just hurtful to me and our marriage, that’s how I feel idk
I don’t like it
I cannot sleep. I feel like hiding this decision ( her family encouraged her behind my back) is the action to start ending failing relationship (which I have never wanted), due to alcohol. This guy she considers “her brother”, she is entrusting things you just don’t confide to another man unless it’s your husband, or same se. sponsor. (It won’t let me spell out the last letter but you understand what I’m saying.
She’s always been weird around him, hugging him and small talk.
I feel almost cheated on as we made it a promise to never confide in another person of opposite se. Especially someone in your past from a past marriage situation.
I know her recovery is THE most important thing, but I don’t feel that’s the motivation here. Am I wrong for thinking that? Maybe it is, idk. She didn’t even try to find a same se. sponsor, just jumped at this, without hesitation, without even telling or discussing it with me. A habit she has formed over the years doing things like this. As well as blaming me for her depression, drinking, and “rotten life”. She says she wants us to work out but next minute is yelling at me blaming me for everything, now like she has her mind on something else. Just feels like a set up for a way out for her.
Time will tell but I couldn’t even talk or look at her tonight knowing I feel betrayed and I don’t want to get upset and say the wrong things so I just said I’m not ready to talk about it and I will not talk about it until I have time to process what just happened. She of course turned it around and got mad -slammed the door and separated for the evening. She was just mad, again. She really wants to develop that relationship with her ex brother in law.
Oh by the way, she has a son with her ex, complicates things, I have kids too and she is putting a wall up between them saying now they “hate” her, which is a complete farce, ALL the kids hate the drinking we have put them threw, not her, they love her. It’s like she is making reasons to separate. She just still drinks.
She slandered me to her family saying things we have fought about over 10 years summarizing worst of it in about 10 min, now I don’t have an interpersonal relationship with them anymore. I was traumatized, severely, as her brother called screaming at me things that were just plainly taken out of proportion, but when she said it to him it took the spotlight off herself. She wanted him to do that, obviously.
That episode was a major reason that led to my sobriety.
I need to keep alcohol out of my life, this isn’t helping that stress. At all. But I am stubborn and I’ll get through it with the grace of God.
Sponsors should be of the samesex and not a family member either...
Sounds manipulative and self serving on her part
Buddy, she wants out in the worst way. Start protecting yourself and your assets NOW.
My advice is to focus on staying sober yourself, and stay out of your wife’s program. She will make plenty of mistakes along the way, and this may certainly be one of them, but it is out of your control. Go to a meeting. Call your sponsor. Read step one. Don’t drink. That’s my advice. Good luck to you.
Focus on yourself. If you haven't tried using breathing techniques I suggest you do try. Staying calm and keeping a level head are paramount right now.
This is the voice of experience here. Your story is very similar to mine in some ways.
Stay calm. As hard as that is....it's so important.
“We will find that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”
Take the direction. Most important stay sober. YOUR sobriety is the most important thing.
It’s going to be ok. Trust the process.
I think she has a crush on him. Confront her, then him, set boundaries, and make the consequences clear. Write each conversation out and run it through AI for politeness, firmness and calm. That will take the emotion out and help you focus on the message.
What I hear is a lot of blaming and lack of accountability on her part. I feel you are at the early stages of recovery and taking accountability for your own actions. She has yet to commit to sobriety and is running to an ex’s brother to be her sponsor. You need clear lcommunication with her about your feelings. The most important thing is maintaining your sobriety and upholding your commitment to your higher power and yourself. Do not allow her to stand in the way of your journey. Allow her to have her own journey but set boundaries and communicate your feelings. Hope this helps wish you best of luck
She's crossing so many boundaries..plus it's best to have a sponsor of the same gender and someone that doesn't really know you, someone you meet at a meeting or something.. sorry you don't deserve that😐
Sorry that you are going through this.
This sounds so toxic.
( Duh! ) plus Ugh.
How are you doing right now, MD?
Aw this is such a tough situation so early on in your journey but just stay the course. It’s so many layers here ^ I was thinking what someone above said sounds like a crush * or could be her getting close back with the family either way this is super messy and only gonna get messier. I hope you both can discuss this, come to a common ground and move through it. (It might be time for therapy) Nonetheless 4 weeks is major !! I’m proud of you!
I personally would say if y’all believe in it marriage counsel. Why because this is the last point either to fix it or we will end it because at the end of the day you are the man of the house and she needs to talk to u and yall need to come to agreement of the decision with the ex bf brother. If that’s something you don’t want she needs to respect it and find another sponsor. Right now I would say focus on u n what ur goal is and Pray if it’s meant to last it will if not maybe being away from the situation will make u a stronger person
Why is this person asking your wife to sponsor him if she's a heavy drinker? It sounds like drama is being created to keep you locked in a victim pattern. Focus and take care of yourself first!
Women should sponsor women and men should sponsor men. There are many reasons for this.
Good morning MD
I’m so sorry to hear that, but yes that is crossing the line. There are so many women with great recovery out there that would be willing to sponsor her and take her through the steps.
My suggestion is to talk with her say what you mean just don’t say it mean. I would just ask her how is she feel if you ask ex-girlfriend  to sponsor you
Ok. When a person has many years of a Drinking career they have lost trust in relationships even though being MARRIED for a long time. People are sensitive about everything and mentally immature in terms of dealing with their emotions properly. You are very young in RECOVERY. SO BE WILLING TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND NOT TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONAL. .. let time work for you. FORGIVE YOURSELF AND FORGIVE HER.