Afraid, Angry, and Scared

Struggling Help
#1

Where to start? I wish I would have found Loosid after I was sober. I wish I could connect with others in a healthy way. I wish i was in a better spot than I am. I have been in recovery for over 10 years and now 7 months post divorce I cannot see a path forward that I have hope for. I have only been sober for 172 days straight in the last 20 years that i can remember and im again starting over. 24 hours. I am not better than anyone here. I am afraid and wonder if I ever make it out.

I am angry that I have watched my marriage slip through my hands during active addiction, and I feel to broken and devastated to imagine a path forward.

What would it be to see this life through sober eyes?

Im tired of being a taker, tired of isolation, I stay very connected to my local recovery community daily, but despite all try to self sabotage through destructive life style choices and inner negative dialogue shaming myself for allowing this to happen.

I’m tired of not being present and treading water, barely surviving.

I’m scared that using still feels like an option of numbing the pain of being me.

I don’t know what I will do hour to hour. What I will choose. I want both. I want to live a redemptive story of hope and Joy and my actions say I want to destroy and suffer for the choices I have made.

Active addition has taken its toll on my spirit.

I want to live a life of integrity, redemption, joy, and peace but im afraid of surrendering all. Afraid that I wont be ok with the way God restores my life.

That I will still be sad and lonely. That I cannot be in a healthy relationship because I am to broken. Afraid of giving my life and recovery over to the care of God.

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#2

It’s really hard to have these realizations after the fact. I myself just went through a divorce and relapse. I’ve realized all the ways I’ve hurt people and have never felt more alone. But I know I have to go through this dark night of my soul before I start to see the light.
Choose goals, small ones at first to build up your self confidence. When you start to be able to trust yourself, other people will too. Reach out to other people in sobriety. And just remember, sobriety can be thrown away more easily than getting self respect back. Don’t give up. You’ve got this.

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#3

Needed this

#4

Have you done a treatment center before? That or see a psychiatrist/therapist (this is what I do). You need to be able to work through these emotions in a healthy way. I hope you seek the treatment needed 🩵

#5

Yes on both. I agree about working through the emotions in a healthy way as i know that i have to go through the pain. I have a very large support system. I run into issues when I have taken my recovery for granted and blurred the lines, and now it sometimes feels it wont work because I have enabled myself to work a loose program or withheld from my sponcer, therapist, where I really was on the inside at the time. I know im not an exception to any of the rules and that my backstory isn’t the worse, im not a victim. I’m going to have to do the work like everyone else before me.

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#6

Thank you Shane. Very helpful. Small goals seem possible. It has been very tough setting any at all. Last year 2022 I bought a Callander for 2023. I just hung it up last month for the first time and it’s still blank, because I don’t make plans for the future as I cannot see it…. I am trying to have the want to want to but, it has been difficult.

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#7

I compliment you on your sharing, sending love :heartpulse:. I also Acknowledge your strength to persevere. Your grieving. I just got my first car at 33, I feel so behind the rest of the world. I try not to compare myself. But it’s hard.

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#8

It sounds like you don’t have hope and are in a pretty low place so I pose the question, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you surrender and ask for Gods guidance. It says in the steps that it is a god of our understanding, you create a God that works for you. In early sobriety I would wake up with no idea how I would get through the day or if I deserved to get through the day so I had to break it down to minute by minute. If I can stay sober for 60 consecutive seconds I’ve proven I can do another. Meetings were and are still really important to me. If I could remain in my seat for the meeting then I stayed sober and you’re surrounded by others who understand and who have climbed out of the gutter over and over. It sounds like you don’t have much hope right now but I’m going to hold some of that hope for you until you’re ready to grab it. Thanks for reaching out, that’s really brave!

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#9

Iva had to push the restart button in life my self and it’s never to late to fix things for yourself first. Lord knows I’ve fallen lost jobs, relationships, myself. Your not alone and with people like us. We will keep each other strong

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#10

Thank you. Super tough day today… I am encouraged. I need this community.

#11

Thank you. Don’t know what to say but accept your experience, strength and hope.

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