I am close to my 2 month mark, and really excited about this process, but it’s still far from easy.
The other night I had a dream where I convinced myself I hadn’t drank in a while and one night wouldn’t hurt. Thankfully when I woke up, I knew that wasn’t the case.
A friend of mine from back home wanted to do a FaceTime wine night and I realized I hadn’t told her I was no longer drinking, but still felt that sting of FOMO.
When the days are long and my mood swings down, I still struggle with the kneejerk reaction of “needing a drink.”
During all these random moments I have to think back and remember what my reality looked like when I was still including alcohol in my life. It was never “A drink,” it was never “just a wine night,” never “treating myself.” It was excess, numbing, saying/doing things I regret, vomiting then drinking more.” The list goes on.
I was pretty good at hiding it. That’s why I had very few people in my life call me out on it. It would start off “normal” and I was soooo good at acting more sober than I was. Then I’d leave, and when most people would turn in, I would drink more and more and more. Like when you go out to eat and eat less, just to go home and smash a pint of ice cream once no one is looking.
It was an illusion of control, the “functional alcoholic” lie we tell ourselves.