I just posted my sobriety tracker date from the last time I posted; It’s been another year! WHAT???!!! My gawd time is going faster and faster! Another year living surrendered to the wrong “god”. Why? When everything imside of me wants to do the right thing? I do the very thing I hate!! Now its a five year relapse after 15 years meth free! I pray and ask God to take this from me to break chains like He did before, to deliver me once again and give me strength and Wisdom….i fear my heart hardening and God leaving me to my own demise!! I read scripture ( not as often as I should) i listen to church messages, christian radio, trying to keep God continually on my mind! I know the TRUTH! I live everyday convicted that im living a lie, im a hypocrite! And if Jesus comes back today, i will run to Him and say “my Lord” but He will say to me that He did not know me!! For the lukewarm faith is not faith! And does not bring salvation!! I know scripture and i know that many in the Bible have gone through what i am facing and have overcome with Jesus’ help, will I? Im almost 49 years old and praying the same prayers i prayed when i was 20! I am all alone in this. My “husband” says he wants the same thing but nothing ever changes. I believe him cuz i feel the same way! He has his own apartment and the only time we get along or even hangout is when we hook up for another addiction( I will save that for another post another time!! ) My perception of reality is questionable and im unsure if i am married to a narcissistic, projecting, gas lighting, abusive person or if i am the one like he says!!! But i have lost almost everything since I’ve been with him and yes its my choice, i dont blame him but i hamg on to the promise of a better life living for the Lord which is why I married him in the first place ( also cuz i never felt that feeling that being intimate with him gives me and ive neved even thought of spending the rest of my life with another!) So after 5 years, my RN license is suspended due to an anonymous tip of my drug use, i went 3 years without a job, missed out on my children’s most important developmental years, sold most everything i had, twice , lost all my vehicles to reposession, charged all my credit cards to the max and went from a credit score that gave me fhe “lowest interest” the Harley Davidson salesman who sold my bike to me, had “ever seen” and US Bank thinking im worthy of a $23k credit card, to I can’t even borrow from the ones that say they sell to u even if you have bad credit! I had a few incidences happen that i made insurance claims on, but when i held the check to pay the contractors and mechanics to fix what my insurance company gave me money for, i could not help but spenx it on crack and meth, anything to escape, even momentarily, from my shame and guilt! I should have a brand new house practically, instead i have a ghetto trapped out house that meeds tons of work!! Yes, i know, i am grateful i still have a house! Thats ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD!!!! Thats SO obvious, there’s no denying its all Him! My son who was 14 when I started this, has moved out and is doing amazing (but I feel like he hates me cuz he cant wait to get away from me whenever he sees me) and my youngest daughter is 13 1/2 but has gone from a funny, God and church loving 8 year old to a teenager grown way beyond her years, self- harming, isolating, depressed, anxious and confused child!! After all i am a hypocritical christian ! Oh woe to me!!!! I have allowed my youngest to move in with her brother and his girlfriend an hour and a half up north so that she can get a fresh start at a new school out of the city! My oldest daughter, my only , non-judgmental, understanding supporter just moved from her place 3 miles away from me to Wisconsin an hour away in the opposite of my other kiddos! OMGawd! Im here alone now in this 4 bedroom house that ive been desperately and diligently trying to clean but still cant keep up with the work it takes to keep clean!!! All i can say is THANK GOD FOR MY DOG, even though im ready to give him away also cuz he pees & 
in my house even after getting fixed! Today I missed one of my best friends’ (we’ll probably my only friend, in reality) wedding cuz i didn’t have anyone to go with, in reality, cuz i was high cuz if I wasn’t it wouldn’t have bothered me that i was going alone!!! Im so sad anout that!! I am grateful that i did not lose my child to child protection as i very well could have like many others in recovery, im grateful that at the very last minute before my house was foreclosed on, God provided me with a job that i love and pays enough for me to pay my mortgage! I went all day today without using even though i have a dope filled pipe over on the table! However i am nodding off as i wrote this and likely will use because i have too much to do before i can actually rest in this house! Plus i cannot miss work because there’s no one else to take my place there and i wont be able to keep my house then. I hope to fix it up while i pay off an attorney to file bankruptcy, then 6 months after i file, sell my house and with my equity get myself up north so my daughter can have a mom she once had but doesn’t remember , a mother she needs and deserves , with her!!!! I should be applying for my RN license back by now but refuse to until im a year sober!! I know people who are higher up in companies that id likely get hired at despite having my entire life and situation publicly posted for all to see and judge, and despite the disciplinary actions against my nurzing license but if i fail again, thats it for me as a nurse and i cant throw away all that work and money again! I need to be right!! So today i cleaned for hours, (my main coping mechanism,) the whirlpool bathtub I had put in when I first bought my house but haven’t used it in years, and am now soaking in with coffee, praise music, and candles. I watched church online (already have forgotten what the message was about) I have ignored my husbands texts that he cant change me he can only fix him, as though he is home going through the same stuff as me, i dont know what to do cuz i know that if nothing changes, nothing changes and we just continue the same cycle of insanity we have-been repeating for the past 5 years and we will never be good as long as we are still using so i dont know cuzi hate being alone and theres the fact that im literally addicted to him and our love making sessions and he will probably come over later with a bunch of crack cuz he knows ill talk to him then…. My weakness!!! Please pray for me! I KNOW prayer works and dont know anyone who would lift me up, please pray for my kiddos and for the years that the locusts have eaten to be restored and please pray for my husband, I know that that’s why we’re going through this is because we would be doing amazing things for the Kingdom of God when we’re sober and living with Christ at the center of our lives! the higher the calling the harder the struggle i know we are chosen and have been deceived by the enemy into the strongholds we have right now! IN Jesus’ NAME I COME TOGETHER IN AGREEMENT WITH ANYONE WILLING TO PRAY WITH ME TODAY AND DECLARE STRONGHOLDS TO BE SET FREE FROM US, FOR CHAINS OF ADDICTION TO BREAK ONCE AND FOR ALL, FOR GENERATIONAL CURSES TO BREAK AND FOR ME AND MY FAMILY TO FULFIIL OUR CALLING AND LIVE OUT THE REST OF OUR LIVES SERVING OUR GOD ORDAINED PURPOSE IN THIS JOURNEY OF LIFE! IJNIP, AMEN!! Thank you, sorry for rhe rant but i feel better. Have a great day’
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Just keep doing the right thing, just for today
Keep doing it and good things happen
I pray for you. I had my medical license suspended I understand joe hard it is. I’m clean 10 years from opiates cocaine booze.here if you need
Prayers for you to get thru this storm...only way is to stay clean.if that means not being with your man then do what it takes
"For nothing will be impossible with God" Luke 1:37,,,,this community has your back.