I have a now 14 yr old son and a 4 yr old daughter. Today, they wanted to take a trip with me to the library. It's about a 10 min walk. We spent a couple hours there. I got some books on recovery, the kids played an internet version of Minecraft. Then, I took my daughter out back as they have a little play area for the Littles. When it was time to go, that's when my daughter decided to start in on her little "ginger"/4 yr old attitude. I understand that she didn't wanna leave and that she needed a nap. I told them before we got to the library that I'd take them to lunch. So, my son and I decided to go up the street. While we were waiting for the bus, it was the normal we're bored, Ima fidget, adhd (my son and I) thing that we all did. We get off the bus a few min later, and my son and I agreed to go to the food carts on the corner of our main streets. My daughter was being a picky fuss pot. Ate all her shrimp and noodles but no veggies. Typical 4 yr old. Lol. My son and I fed the pigeons, had a fun conversation and laughed at stupid cr@p, fought the wind, etc. I only took a few bites and decided it was time to go. My 4 yr old kept "riding my @ss." Saying naughty things, doing what she wasn't supposed to, etc. WAY passed her nap time by this point. So we walked to the bus stop. The reader board said 3 min..... For almost 30. My son was being annoying and making noises with my glass bottle, his metal water tumbler thing, and the d@mn @ss metal bench. Which was fine because we were ALL bored. As frustrated and annoyed as I was, we all laughed and made the best of it. By this time, my brain was done. Finally on the bus. 5 min ride, no big. We get to the apartment, (my hubby's home by this time) and I haven't even had a chance to take my shoes off when my daughter was right up there again. We ended up getting DD (Door Dash) for dinner. We sat down. We ate. My son and hubby were saying and doing stupid sht that made me laugh. My brain was fried at this point and all I could do at that time was laugh and cry at the same time. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't stop. Anxiety attack was coming. So I laid down on the couch, while laughing. (My eyes were closed at this point) I started to settle down. That's when my daughter came up and BAIRLY touched my eyelid and BOOM! (She knows that I don't like my face touched when I can't see. (Passed trauma, which I explained to her before.)) Anxiety: 1 Jessee: 0
At this point I don't even remember sitting up. I was rocking back and forth, so my son did what he knew to do, and grabbed my bunny stuffy. I held it and couldn't stop rocking. Hubby jumped in to put the kids to bed. I couldn't move for what seemed like FOREVER. I haven't had an attack like this for about 3ish years. I knew it wasn't my bi polar because I had taken my meds. I did the best I could, hugged my kids g'night, told them I love them etc. All while sitting on the couch, STILL waiting for it to pass. So as my husband was waiting for his laundry, he held me and we did our own thing. He's in bed now and I'm STILL trying to calm down. Back in my addiction, (I'm almost 90 days sober) when I knew an attack was coming, I'd drink to suppress it. By now I'd be drunk and probably drink a little more till I got sleepy enough. Then I'd go to my room and pass out. I HATE anxiety attacks. I am proud of myself for not drinking, but also scared because I didn't want to go through this "alone", as IDK know how long it will take me to get over. I have so many other mixed emotions, and I'm scared BECAUSE IDK what they are or how to process them. Which is why I would drink. I know I'll be okay and it WILL pass.
Sorry for the novel. I REALLY needed to get this off my chest. Thank ya'll for reading.
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I have and I do......