Since September my anxiety has been out the roof and it's because of a number of reasons, since late December and literally all of Jan 2024 I have been extremely, I mean to the point of checking myself into a hospital, anxious and fearful.
I lost my job at the beginning of Jan and it wasn't because of anxiety, it was because my boss and supervisor are definitely mentally ill. This isn't projection, it's a fact. I actually wish I knew more about the law or could afford a lawyer to file a lawsuit, I have so much evidence and I don't even need half of the evidence I have because my bosses threatening text message that was actually meant for someone else about me, he mistakenly sent to me instead! That's how mentally ill he is. He, the owner of the company, and she my supervisor kept confusing my behavior with their own and other coworkers behaviors, including his wife!
So you might think, well that explains the anxiety. It doesn't fully.
I've also had my property vandalized at my recently opened art gallery, and have been verbally assaulted and harassed several times by the property manager there and the neighboring business owner.
I thought that would also explain the anxiety..but it hasn't.
My ex boyfriend broke off our relationship at the end of August and I already posted about how much his cruelty, lies, and manipulation effecting my life and spirit on many levels.
I seriously can not understand what's happening. I mean I heard that being sober makes life better, I assumed this is because I am in control of my decisions and I can exercise self control with my reactions and actions.
But it's been scary. I hate that it's gotten so bad I needed to consult my psych about adding a benzo to my medication regiment. It's take as needed but I really was not hoping to add more meds to my already 2 - 3 daily medication regiment.
I won't drink alcohol. Even the faint scent of it repulses me.
Ugh. Within the last 2 weeks, I have been fired from my job and my boss keeps denying his fraudulent and illegal activities towards me, I have no savings and only a small amount of money to keep me afloat this week and next month, I had two flat tires at the same time and some weird man in a pickup truck who asked if i needed help actually broke my spare tire and then asked me if I wanted to get in his truck to get a new one, when i asked to take a photo of his license plate. He got scared and drove off! My car keeps overheating and my radiator has a hole in it and I already had it fixed back in August, basic small things I am trying to get done are crapping out on me or overcomplicating their basic nature and / or functions, my former gallery landlord switched my lease over to the aggressive property manager with no choice of my own, my landlord at my house won't install security bars on my doors and windows even though there was theft in this neighborhood multiple times and I told him I was afraid- he said "he understands if I want to move." Instead of doing the right thing and installing them knowing the crime in the area. He acts like moving where I live and have made my home is like snapping my fingers and poof I'm settled in a new place.
Nearly everyone I talk to about it, which isn't many because I have no support system and the ones I do have repeatedly Hage hurt and harmed me but they are rhe only people who consistently answer my calls, they trivialize my experience and even subtly agree with these abusers behavior, or try to explain the abusers behavior, or they get scared and anxious and try to project it onto me and when I tell them I need solutions to my problems, not their worry, they don't stop or they think I need absolutely no reassurance or support following the conversation we have. Basically I've been sad, scared, mentally sick, and truly struggling this month and noone has checked in on me, except my mother who lives across country, every now and again but only texts, and its like she forgets every day what i told her the day before, she hasn't even called this entire month I've been struggling with this. I had to call her. And she doesn't offer help, I had to ask her and she even showed a lack of enthusiasm in helping when I asked.
I am mistreated by other people. It's not perceived, it's accurate. These experiences and interactions with others mistreatment towards me is quantifiable in its accuracy. And its even worse when someone treats me well in the beginning of our relationship, intimate, work, landlord, property, business, community, and then mistreats me after Ive already built trust with them. It's harder to disengage and disconnect with another person who i've built trust with and then they've repeatedly or harashly or confusingly shattered it. It's also extremely hard when I have limited options or no choice in a matter such as where I live, where I work, where I socialize, etc concerning distrustful, violent, hostile, aggressive, and / or mentally unstable people who act out their mental instabilities in frightening and aggressive or passive aggressive ways towards me, especially when they are actions towards me, and they are not warranted reactions and / or they are extremely overreactions that don't parallel the action taken by me.
I just want to feel safe and I am feel extremely scared all of the time.
Trust me if it was feasible for me to pack up and leave my house to a new place to live that was safer, affordable rent, and a landlord that actually cared about tenants - I would do so - I looked already and everything was insanely unreasonable.
And as far as jobs go, I look for high paying salary positions in my field of study and it takes time just like moving does. It's just too much and I'm doing it all sober.
It felt good to vent my issues on here to other sober people even if you didn't read it, I'm grateful this app even exists!