April 1, my dad passed. Growing up with my dad ages one to 13 were pretty much like a roller coaster every day. We were brought up in the church, but my dad was facing some demons. He was an alcoholic dabbled with some drugs here and there. My first memory is him holding a knife against my mom’s throat. I was two. I remember him choking my mom against the wall. I must’ve been around five. When my dad was sober, he was a good person a little cranky sometimes, but who isnt? I remember crying to him every time he would get arrested for domestic violence, the told me he would change. He told me he would stop. He would apologize he would hug me. He would tell me he was gonna change. Until I turned 13, my mom finally decided that enough was enough. My dad stayed in our hometown for as long as he could (left three years later to go work in another state) he helped out with some rides and would give us like $100 each. but my mom pretty much had the weight of the world on her shoulders because she was doing it by herself. I remember nasty voicemails that my dad would leave my mom. I remember my mom getting spammed with text so much that she blocked any unknown number manually so you had to be saved as a contact get in touch with her. Up until about 7/8 years ago. I started to notice it changed within my dad. He didn’t bother her anymore. He tried to be at civil with her as possible. My dad would tell me that he stopped drinking and then he started going to church. Since he didnt live within the same state, I would let it go over my head. Well regardless of how my dad was, i always loved him and always reached out. He was my dad. We would go out to eat everytime he visited our hometown. One of the last times when we went to go eat my dad had mentioned to me that he was praying that God taken him because he couldn’t live with himself knowing all the things that he did. I immediately broke down and give my dad a hug and I told him I loved him. The encounter broke my heart. Because he hadn’t lived within state for almost 10 years I cannot imagine how alone he felt. He met my son, his only grandson. He met my sisters daughters, his grand daughters. My little brother though, hadnt spoken with him for 2 years or let him meet his daughter. There was some resentment forsure. I cant blame him. I never tried to talk him out of it. But this last time my dad asked me to speak to him for him, i let my brother know that my dad was coming into town and he really wanted to meet his daughter. He agreed. Around the time that he was supposed to come visit I actually got arrested for driving under the influence. I was drunk, and I fell asleep at a light. When I was in jail over the weekend, I was just thinking about what if my dad had came to Vegas and I didn’t know and I really just wanted to speak to Him. For some reason, my dad didn’t make it. He decided not to visit Las Vegas. He unfortunately passed a week and a half later. He was on his way to work, and the car slid killing him on impact. Two days before he passed I called him crying because I was feeling overwhelmed with life and I told him that I had made a bad decision and I went to jail for driving influence and he told me that he loved me and he was always gonna be for me even though he didn’t the best example to keep pushing because my son needed me. He passed two days later. I’m really trying to keep my head straight, but I’ve been drinking. I’ve been gambling. I’ve been doing everything that I can to take the pain away just to gind myself empty handed facing my grief. I know this happened three weeks ago to be honest. It’s just now hitting me. He’s coming home today. He was cremated. Once I see his things, its gonna hit. I feel so confused. I feel guilty. I feel so sad. I wanna stop drinking. I wanna stop everything. Its not helping.
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Sending love Nicole losing a parent changes you forever you’re carrying him with you every step