I have a few “yets” in my story. However, I never, in a million years, would have thought I would have normalized as much as I have in the last 18 months.
I can feel deaths breath on my neck, looming and lurking close enough my neck hairs stand on end. I am playing ring-around-the- Rosie with death every day I choose not to be in the light of recovery. If the b!tch, crystal, doesn’t kill me, someone who I met through her will gladly do her bidding. It’s only a matter of time.
The state of fear I have been consistently in the last 18 months makes me physically get sick. Never knowing if the knock on the door is friend or foe, hoping the door doesn’t get kicked in by police or thieves, taking the risk of getting painful and life threatening infections every time I stick a dart in my body.
I have been in survival mode and hyper aware most of my life, but nothing like it has been. I am so on edge I am screaming, yelling and crying in my sleep.
What is even more baffling is that it isn’t the five hospitals stays due to infection, the threat of life and/or limb or if having zero physical safety that has made me take a life changing step-it’s the fact that I pushed a full CC shot perfectly, and felt nothing. No rush, no dragon breath, no euphoria and no false sense of general happiness and well-being. I stuck a needle in my body-risking my life for a desired effect and nothing happened.
Somewhat shocked that my tolerance is that high after only 18 months of using her, I found 3 seconds of pure courage and took a right action by picking up the phone. I am have an admission date of April 20th (ironically, a very important date for another reason) for a 45 day residential treatment program.
Having been told by my father just days ago that I was not a safe investment, because I have relapsed twice in 15 years and still continue to struggle with life, I am choosing to take the “unsafe” investment in myself. I am throwing my hat over the wall and pray that my a$$ follows, or going all in with what I have left by bravely facing what I have spent my life running from with unadulterated honesty, open mindedness and willingness. It’s time I find the woman I am intended to be and show up for my own party!
and there's nothing glamourous about it. I never thought I would ever try the hardcore drugs, nevermind become addicted? Life is good on the other side of this you just have to keep fighting and keep that fire in your heart to get as far away from your "yets" as possible. Be careful until your treatment day comes you are in a very vulnerable state and stay away from people, places and things that would normally tempt you. Good luck and God Bless You!