One of the most important things I've found towards my sobriety is that being humbly honest is often a powerful way to refuel an empty tank of willpower. It's my experience that when we peel back a layer or two and expose a vulnerable side of ourselves - it resets our ego and reminds us that the human experience is often painful, and that being able to accept and acknowledge this helps make it easier to live through. I'm currently going through a painful process with my youngest son, a seven year old who's not biologically mine, but that I've raised since birth. He's from the same woman that I was married to and had all my other kids with, and he's the byproduct of careless decisions she's made after we split. I knew going into it that there'd always be risks of her using him in a weaponized fashion against me - because I've know for quite some time that she's a terrible person with huge personality defects that she has zero interest in acknowledging or changing. That being said, the day has finally come where she was willing to put her cruelty to its biggest test by ripping that bond between he and I. We're going on week two, and it feels like I'm literally grieving a lost child.
I have secured an attorney and am making an effort to go get him out of this horrible situation before the damage done in his life is irreparable. As a 41 year old man with eight years sober - I feel equipped to conquer this storm. But it's his emotional inability that leaves me feeling powerless and unable to protect him. And that is the part of sobriety that a lot of us don't often consider. The dangerous part wherein we don't consider how many degrees of separation can still hold triggers of impulse in our lives to drive us back into the bars. The feeling of helplessness has been overwhelming. And while everyone around me has a well natured disposition by telling me hang in there, it gets harder with each passing day.
I like to think that in a world of evil - good will always still prevail. Especially when children are involved. But as we all know, that's just a wishful thinking tool we use to cope when the reality of possibilities becomes too grim for our minds to go there. I am openly optimistic. I like to think my motives are pure and not done out of spite - but to protect what's important to me. But there's still a leak in the pipe somewhere that wants to let resentment and dare I say hate trickle in. In these moments - getting vocally honest comes into play! Sharing your feelings of futility are the patches to the pipes.
It's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to feel powerless. It's okay to feel compelled to give up. Because those are honest human emotions that come with feeling defeated. But don't cave!! Whether you're fighting for the welfare of your kids or fighting to string together four days of sobriety. Keep fighting. Keep believing that good is still capable of out shining the bad in the world and for the love of God, keep believing that you were put here for a purpose and are capable to withstand the storms that await you! Because you are!
Find something positive to help you stay on track. Help someone in need. Do something without expecting something in return. Get honest about your struggles. Be receptive to your struggles. It's a battle every day to become better but it's a battle that can absolutely be won! I say this in the midst of one of my hardest battles fought in eight years of sobriety, and I dare to believe, even in my weakest moments that there's no other outcome but good to focus on. Otherwise I'd have fallen off years ago and still been lost. All on account of the lies we buy that keep us sick. Don't believe them. Fight. And keep fighting.
