So I was choosing to be homeless (I could have left Johnny and gone back home but that would also mean I would have to get sober) I also was VERY attached to Johnny. So he got sick while we were sleeping in the car during the month of December 2021. I had a lot of money saved up from when I was sober during those 6 months and Johnnys paychecks helped too. We found the cheapest hotel and agreed we would only stay there until he wasn’t sick. He went to urgent care got some antibiotics and was better within a week. But you see it’s sooooooo much better to sleep in a bed and warmth so we ended up just staying in hotels. It was $100 a night which blew thru my money. I also gave Johnny a $20 allowance a week- for food and whatever he wanted. At this point, I hadn’t been home in months. Meanwhile, I am constantly looking for apartments. It was tough because Johnny worked full time but I was only working weekends at the grocery store because I was supposed to be going to college. You have to make 3 times the rent and the market sucks and everything is expensive. During this time-staying at hotels, I basically gave up and didn’t give one single F about school. Johnny always encouraged me to attend and complete homework. He would sometimes say Im messing you up. Im trash and im pulling you down with me. You have a nice life without me. I would always say back I won’t leave you, I love you blah blah. The only classes I kept up with was Eng 102 and got a B in it but the other 5 classes I failed. My parents paid for my college too. So since I failed I lost my opportunity for them to pay.
We finally found an apartment. A studio apartment right off the freeway for $1,065 a month. We got a U-haul and got my bed and clothes and tv everything from my bedroom. My dad helped us pack it in the Uhaul and drove down to the apartment to help carry everything in with Johnny. I had no strength or muscle at the time and was no help.
The first week was great! We would stay up till 6am doing coke and listening to music together, talking, connecting. After a week, Johnny would drink a whole handle in an hour or so. Swear I’m not exaggerating- he was a terrible alcoholic and mean drunk. One night he picked me up by my neck and pinned me against the wall. He had retard strength. He would throw plates at me. He took a broom and hit my metal night stand and dented and broke it. I would get home from work and all the furniture was moved around and he said he was trying to clean and surprise me but it was just stressful. We got multiple noise complaints. Meanwhile, we are both raging cokeheads and got in some rlly serious trouble. A couple nights go by after the delinquency. We were fighting over nothing (and this was the first time in our relationship we had ever fought. we used to brag that we had been together for 4 years and never fought. Well how can you fight if your never actually psychically together) Anyways, I stepped on a piece of bent metal from when he broke my nightstand and my foot started bleeding excessively. I was freaking out, Johnny picked me up and brought me to the bathroom and told me to lay down and put my foot in the air. He said my blood was thin cos of the coke. I was super high and afraid. I don’t know I was just high and my emotions were wild. While he was cleaning my foot, I blacked out cos I was so scared. I woke up what seemed to be an hour later still on the bathroom floor. With a bandage and a sock on the one foot. I went out to see he fell asleep in the bed. It was 2am now and I stayed up without him doing coke. I was still only working weekends which I took advantage of and did drugs instead of working more. We were also financially stable off his checks but my bank account was getting pretty low. We would pick up an 8-ball every other day. Still the same night of my foot incident, I took maybe 5 xans to help me fall asleep and johnny woke up while I was doing that and also took about 5 xans. We slept for 2 days straight. I forgot to mention he broke my phone during one of these fights so I was without a phone for maybe 3 days. I woke up first and got ready and then woke him up. I asked if we could pretty please fix my phone because we thought the power button just didn’t work. Johnny said yes and got ready. Everything seemed like it was turning around. I got my keys and we walked out to my car. I turned the car on and he rolled down a window to smoke a cig. Immediately, cop cars pulled behind my car so I couldn’t escape. A long giant gun was pointed into the window crack. On a mega phone they were asking for johnny and for us to exit the vehicle with our hands up. The arrested Johnny and they had me just sitting with police while the raided my car and apartment. I was still so high that I ratted on myself and they realized I might be an accomplice. (Johnny would point the gun at me and tell me to drive places and if I didn’t then…) I was arrested and brought to one station. I was wearing a black crop top sweater, lulu lemon leggings, and tie dye crocs. After an hour, I was put into a vehicle that had a separation wall. It was Johnny on the other side. Leading up to this, all the police officers told me to stay away from him. He’s no good. you get it. but when I heard his voice I was back in it. He poked his finger thru a crack and bled on to it with my hand. He was telling me we would get thru this he loves me. Do you love me? I said yes I love you. When we got to the next facility, the officer open the door and we hopped out. Keep in mind we have cuffs and chain connecting to our feet. It was such a weird feeling. Johnny laid a sloppy wet kiss on me. The officer said something like Hey don’t test me. (This would be my last kiss from Johnny) At this facility, we just had to wait to see the Judge. We got there at 9pm and I saw the judge at like 10 am. I stayed up all night still coked out. I lost my voice and sounded crazy talking to everyone. I thought I was there for a reason. I was spreading positivity all night. At one point, a lady that had moved from room to room moving up to the huge with me yelled out “I have a headache shut the f up” and the guy i was talking to in front of me yelled back “don’t come to prison then b**ch” all the guys got rowdy and the police officers came over and told me I could only talk to the girls. That one girl said we don’t want to. I had made a friend with a transgender woman who was coming down from blues and was sleeping in my lap. She said I like your voice, keep talking. So I just rambled in her ear for hours. While all this was going on, I could see johnny across the room and officers would tell us to cut it out. He eventually fell asleep. I was wide awake and freezing cold.
Finally, we saw the judge. This was my first time ever being in trouble. I was told to stay away from Johnny. I said we live together and the Judge said well one of you is going to have to stay somewhere else. Since Johnny and I were in the same group while I was waiting for my turn I could hear him and the judge on the microphone and johnny had to get an ankle monitor and then released. We got to the room before getting released and Johnny called out to me to wait for him. I was called up to be let out before Johnny, a girl around my age who I had been with the whole night said she was getting an uber and I could come with her and I said how I would buy us food once she gets me to my car, which was at my apartment. When we got out, this guy one year younger than me- we had papers with out info and the crimes we were convicted for. He just had petty theft and drug charges if anything he should have been afraid of me. Whatever Johnny did was projected on me. Aggressive vandalism, and stuff i can’t remember. The girl got in the u we with two random guys and left me. I had never been in this situation. There were taxis and the young guy I was with let call him Joe, said that the taxis are gonna be crazy expensive cos they are like targeting us and know we have no other option. I said money wasn’t an issue and I didn’t have to take him with me but I felt safe with him and told him about the abuse Johnny put me through. He told me he was bisexual and wasn’t even rlly into girls and that he would fight anyone for me. He was also coming down from blues and very weak. I took him with me and we rode back to my apartment-I ran inside (cos the police were kind enough to grab my keys before I was arrested and that was put into my possessions that I then got back when I was released) I got the money for the taxi driver and then I was left with this random guy. I had an eviction notice on my door. I still didn’t have a phone!!! The apartment was a mess from the police raiding it. Joe was rushing me to get us back to his place and said we could get high together. I didn’t even brush my teeth or anything, I saw johnnys keys were inside so he wouldn’t be able to get into the apartment. I grabbed my purse and car keys and we left. We both had no phones and had to navigate on our own to get to his place which was miles and miles away. We were talking and laughing and relating. Most of all, he told me he will help me get a phone and told me call my parents and begged me to go home and get away from Johnny. I called my mom at 2pm and said I’m coming home-I’ll be there around 7pm because I wanted to hang with Joe a little and was a little scared to go home and what my parents would say.
When I got home, somehow my mom just sensed I got into trouble and had my mugshot up on the computer. I told them everything and they knew I learned my lesson. They had an extra twin bed from when I was young that was in storage that they brought out and put into my bedroom for me to sleep in. I was still very high. Talking to myself being a tweak. I took a shower and went to bed. I could see that Johnny was at the apartment on snapchat maps. In the morning, I woke up to a drunk voicemail of him asking where I was and what was going on. I ignored it. A week later, I got a call from a random number and ignored it but then a minute later it called me again so I answered. It was a lady and she said I have someone who wants to talk to you-it was Johnny. He had gone to a sober living facility, he was crying and said he was sorry and where was I why didn’t I stay by his side what happened. He told me it was so good ti hear my voice, i responded with you don’t deserve to hear it and he cried some more. He said he would call me in a week when he was settled into the sober living house. I said ok. I got a new job at a organic grocery store, cashier still. Things were looking up but a month had gone by and I was wondering why Johnny hadn’t contacted me. I had a bad feeling. Another week went by, I was sober and doing ok, still numb inside and the job was meh. All my coworkers were old and annoying. After a week, I was finally contacted by Johnny it was like mid January 2022. He was in sedona 40 miles, 2 hours away from me in a sober living. I asked why he was so far and he said he thought I didn’t want him and so he decided to get out of the city. We talked about how crazy it was that we were arrested. (I did get an expensive azz lawyer cos my parents told me too and to this day the case has not even been filed. so when new jobs background check me I have a clean record. Lucky me) He told me he missed me and at this point I was lonely and missed him too. I wasn’t planning on seeing him cos my parents were watching my every move. I was being drug tested. After weeks of talking and face timing he asked me to come visit him and begged me. He said he would walk all the way down to me if he could to just see me for an hour. He convinced me. I told my parents I just wanted to clear my head. Keep in mind, the sober living only let johnny out of the house to work or for 2 hours. I would drive 2 hours to see him. He said he would go to work that day and I would pick him up after work we would hang out for 2 hours and then I would drive home another 2 hours. Ugh okay for Johnny I guess and he said he rlly rlly needed me. It was also gonna be valentine’s day. I was on the phone with him Feb 15, 2022 and the next day we were gonna see each other! I was excited. He told me on the phone he was gonna take a nice hot shower and then go to bed so we said our love you and good nights.
The next day, I didn’t hear anything from him. I was definitely upset and disappointed. I even called his work and they said he never showed up. I was making up excuses like maybe something happened at the sober living house. Next day, Thursday I go to work 2-10pm shift. I even told all my coworkers how I was gonna get to see him and so when I told them it didn’t happen they were sad for me. Trying to comfort me that something probably popped up and he wasn’t blowing me off. At 7pm, his grandma texts me…a picture of his obituary. He died in the shower, from an unknown heart anomaly. It didn’t appear to be an overdose, no drugs were found. I believe his body just gave out. He had been an alcoholic since he was 9 years old. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 years old and was given Adderall. He has had countless ODs and had done who knows what to his body. Even thought, everyone could see his death coming sooner rather than later it still was devastating.
I was crying out of control and i told my manager he had passed and she hugged me and sent me home. (I’m crying rn my heart still hurts to this day. I thought we were twin flames, soulmates, he said he was getting his sh*t together and would buy me a ring)
My parents didn’t care about his death. They never understood our relationship. They aren’t even addicts and never could rlly understand me. They don’t even drink alcohol. Total squares.
I was in a dark dark place. My parents had stopped drug testing me, they thought I was sober. They thought I was doing well at my job.
Two months later, April 2022- I just turned 21.
Johnnys old friend (not even Johnny told me how he didn’t rlly like this guy anymore cos he was a xan head and was always a zombie) hit me up and said how he found out about his death and what happened? I told my parents and they said he carful and I was like I know what I’m doing.
This friend let’s call him Pimple. Had his own apartment and roommates and lived like 15 min away from me.
I had no friends so it felt nice to be able to be myself and talk to someone especially about Johnny and that he knew Johnny too and had perspective on Johnny. He was nice and supportive. We drank beers together. I hate how alc tastes and have a sensitive stomach so I would barley drink one beer. He had talked about xans a little and said how he wouldn’t give me any and wants the best for me.
Well, one night I was able to talk my way to getting one bar. I took it and blacked out but was able to get back to my house the same night. Next day, I went to work and my mind was obsessed with getting high again. (also i only rlly took the xan cos it has a short half life in your system so if i were to be drug tested it would be out of my system 2 days max) I was obsessed mentally about the bars. That night after work, I went back to Pimples place. I planned to be there only that night and then get back home. I took 1 bar and then begged him for more cos he was taking more so ya know. He gave me a handful- 7 bars and I downed them all together. From there I have no memory. I was able to snap back to reality because I got my period, after 3 days of being blacked out and feed xans like candy. I of course wasn’t taking my BC pills so my period wasn’t repressed. He was asleep when I came back to reality and I grabbed my keys and booked it out of there not even realizing how many days went by. I came out to my car and the right side passenger door was smashed in. I got home and told my parents I was disappointed in myself and I didn’t know what was happening. My mom even texted me asking where I was and I had responded with I don’t understand what’s going on. I even asked her what’s happening and she said I love you please come home and I was just like awww thx love you too. Like what was I thinking????
I was even calling out from work while blacked out!!!
I slept for days and would wake up at night deeply depressed. Xanax can cause suicidal thoughts and it’s dangerous to stop cold turkey. This is the only time in my whole life I have self harmed but it was more of like a statement. Like a tattoo kinda. I carved the word, “UGH” in the top of my left knee. I just felt extremely ugh.
Pimple told me, I was driving too and we went to a drive thru and I hit a truck and the guy was mean and videotaping us. He said I tried to drive away but got blocked in by another car. I eventually gave him my insurance info. I was under my parents car insurance so my dad knew right away I was up to no good. When he told me about it the claim said I caused $100 of damage like I just scratched him paint but somehow destroyed my own car. I had $5,000 worth of damage to my car. The door was bent, my headlight was broken, and the bumper was broken too. I was so broke at this point and had to live with my car being messed up for months. My dad said the insurance would cover a little bit but I would have to pay for most of it. I did get it fixed within time. I was sober for 2 months and was tired of living at home. I went to get a sandwich at a sandwich place lol and met this guy let’s call him Stupidface. I wrote my number down for him and we texted and face timed for a couple weeks. I told him how I needed to find a place because i wasn’t welcomed at my parents( which i was just wasn’t welcomed if i wasn’t sober and I was obsessed with the idea of smoking weed and that it “helps me”)
He asked his roommate and that didn’t care so he said yah move in.
I got a wax pen again and we bought a nice glasses piece to smoke out. He was into xans and molly. He was also an alcoholic and liked to party. He was trying to be a rapper lmaoo. His music was actually pretty decent and I liked it. Stupidface would book venues for him and his rapper buddies ti perform at which I thought was cool. During this time, I connected with an old friend of mine that I used to party with, with johnny during the one semester of college. Let’s call her Jenny. She lived fairly close to the apartment I was staying at. I had lots of fun with her and felt like she cared about me and understood me. She would always give me a big hug when I saw her.
Stupidface and I were smoking 24/7 together. We would stay up all night rolling on molly. He was funny and I was too so we were having a good time. I was trying to be careful with the xans and would only take 1/4 at a time and was rlly only taking them for anxiety. Some night I would take a little more depending on my mood. Also all his friends were into xans and I had the money to buy bulk and profit off them. I thought I was soooo smart but in reality I was such a huge addict I was loosing money. About a month passed and I feel confident that I’m doing ok because last time I moved out it only lasted barley 3 week at the apartment.
Stupidface gave me a false sense of security.
Meanwhile, I was hanging out with Jenny almost everyday. Her DOC was blues. I told her how I don’t rlly f with them and she said don’t worry I won’t let you get sick.
We didn’t even have a plug from them so we ended up going out around 1-2am and asking random homeless people. We would pretend we were sick and coming down and rlly needed them. The first night, it worked and we met a rlly cool guy and he had cool script drawings so he wrote our nicknames together and gave us the paper. We wished him well and gave him a box of to be nice. I was very frivolous with my money.
We got back to Jenny’s placed and smoked the blues. I finally understood the appeal. Jenny and I nodding out,cuddled together on the couch. I didn’t even have a job at the time, I was searching often and applying to places but wasn’t rlly calling and checking in. I was being pretty lazy about it cos I wanted ti keep partying. I don’t know how Jenny did it. She would go to school all day, I would pick her up after and we would smoke all night until 2 am and do it all again the next day.
I got Stupidface into blues. He didn’t rlly know how bad they rlly were. He had a bad coke down one time and was like we gotta stop doing them! But ofc we kept going. I would pick up 30 pills and expect them to last but stupidface and I would end up going thru them in one night. He would pitch in money and so would jenny so sometimes I would get them without even having to spend my money. My addiction tho caught up to me. I was barely able to pay rent so I secured a job-can you guess lol as a cashier at a grocery store haha
At this point, I couldn’t hold down any food. I was constantly throwing up. The smell alone would make me want to vomit. It was just normal for me to open the car door and yack. Also by this point we had a plug and the blues are just so cheap in your head you don’t think your spending that much or when you want another one you like well it’s only $2!
I would smoke the blue and pass out and smoke the blue and pass out. I would pass out for an hour or so, it wasn’t real sleep. If I didn’t have a blue I would be violently sick. I couldn’t barely get myself up and drive to the plugs place. It didn’t matter if I bought more I would just use more and run out. It never lasted.
Stupidface got tired and annoyed of my behavior. I was also very mean when I didn’t have my blues. While I was high he would ask to smoke another and I would be like yah whatever but then when my head got clear in the morning I would scold him and say when I say yes it’s not rlly a yes because i’m high af!!
I thought to myself about what Johnny must have been going thru and how I have become him. Blues are a demon. I would hope that this is the hit to kill me. I loved nodding out into oblivion. I didn’t want to participate in the world. I just wanted to curl up and fall asleep forever. After work, I would race home and run up the apartment stair to smoke blues. I was barely even smoking weed, maybe a little bit of a wax pen to try and calms down the nausea. I was hooked.
Finally, Stupidface kicked me out and told me to get all myself and get out. I told my mom and she said there’s no reason to argue and to just come home. I did. A couple days later, I got all my stuff and was quick about it cos Stupidface said if any of my clothes show up he’ll just make a pile and let me know and I could come grab them. It seemed like we were in good terms. He blocked me on everything and I have missing clothes. Whatever. I took my bed when I left, so he had no bed and had to sleep on the floor. I didn’t even have to take it cos I had a bed at my parents I just hated him for kicking me out. As a last effort, I asked Jenny if I could live with her and she said she would say yes but it’s her bfs place and there’s no space for me.
I knew I had been saved by my guardian angel. If i would have kept going I know I would have died. I was seriously underweight- 92 pound and I am 5 foot 5 inches.
I told my parents everything because there’s no way to hide blues. They smell disgusting and I wanted to be done with them. I was trying to quit them at Stupidface but I would dry heave and vomit stomach acid. I would literally be shaking almost having a seizure which was scary. I couldn’t do it on my own they were too strong.
My parents were immediately concerned for my well being. I told them how I only have 7 pills left and I could make them last for maybe a few days while they searched for a good detox place and one that was covered by our insurance. About 3 days later, on a Friday, October 14,2022. I smoked by last blue at 5pm and got driven down to a hospital/ inpatient/intense outpatient. It took hours for me to get checked in and get to unit and room. I was still a little high so I wasn’t in too much pain just a little sweaty. I tried to sleep it thru. Around 1am I finally got to the unit, they ofc did the safety measures and made me undress so they can make sure I wasn’t bring in anything illicit. Wrote down all my scars and tattoos, took my vitals and gave me a snack. I then went to bed.
I woke up in a disgusting wet sweat. I couldn’t control my body temperature. I tried ti walk around with a blanket cos my sweatpants and long sleeve weren’t enough but i was told I have to keep my blanket in my room because it is an easy way ti spread germs.
I had to wait 24 hours until they could give me medicine to help with the withdrawals because if I took it too soon it would cause the withdrawals to get worse.
I had no appetite but still went to breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the cafeteria with my unit. I mainly sipped on soup. I would also participate in group therapy, art time, gym time, and nightly group. When I was finally able to take my medicine, my body felt normal. I would shower often because the hot wafted felt good on my fragile skinny body that had troubles staying warm. Only thing that sucked was that you had to press a button to keep the water on every 30 seconds. So i would count in my head and press it at 20 seconds because anxiety.
I was super anxious which is a feeling I would try ti get high and suppress. I hate the feeling of anxiety so how ever often I could I would asked for a visceral. The nurse who gave me my meds was like you def have anxiety disorder, i’ll talk ti the psychiatrist to see if she can help you find a better medication to help you with the anxiety.
They put me on seroquel and i felt normal for once in my life. Not high yet no anxiety. It was amazing!! I felt freed. I was there for maybe 4 days and got confident and ate a big dinner. Bad idea because it caused nausea and I threw up but my body does this time we’re it won’t feel better after i throw up. I’ll just keep dry heaving. I’ll drink water and then throw it back up. It almost feels good to throw up. This went on all night and my roommate had to be switch to a different room because I was so loud. No wonder I was kicked out of Stupidface house. My dry heaving is so loud and it’s just disgusting. It goes in for hours and is annoying to listen to.
Finally, in the morning some nurse came in and gave me a shot in my arm to try and get me to stop throwing up.
I would pass out and wake up and still be throwing up. I would try and take a shower to feel better but then throw up in the shower. I hate clothes and they are just a hassle while going thru this so i was naked under the blanket so when the nurse came in she was like honey you gotta be dressed this is a CoEd unit. I didn’t care I don’t feel good!!!!!! She literally put a gown on me and it had an open back how dumb. I told them this happens a lot and I call it a throw up attack. They knew before I have a very sensitive stomach and I would take anti-nausea pills after meals. I was supposed to go home the next day so i was rlly trying to get better i didn’t want to get stuck there another few days. The beds, the chairs, the everything was uncomfortable!!! I have mild scoliosis so my back was on fire that’s also why I would take lots of hot showers.
After hours, they gave me a gatorade( cos i guess they had to order it specifically for me so it took a minute to get to me and they ordered another shot) so I got another shot in the arm and took small sips of the Gatorade and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was okay.
I got out the next day and i told myself and my parents I never want to have tk go through withdrawal ever again. It’s to worse feeling in the world. No high is worth the aftermath. My body is messed up.
I went to intensive outpatient at the same detox clinic. It was a nice clinic, I felt like they rlly cared about me.
One night while I was still in detox, I had a panic attack and one of the nurses took my hand and walked me along, helped me calm down and ground me.
IOP was the same, the therapist was also a recovering addict, he had 2 years, so he understood us. I had perfect attendance throughout the 60 ish days. I learned a lot. I had ups and downs but that’s ok. It’s only nature to have emotions.
I got stable on my meds and everything started to balance out. I focused solely on group and did not work during this time. They also had equine therapy at this clinic( it’s where you work with horses) which was super helpful and I learned a lot from the horses and how I reacted. Horses are energy based creatures and live in the present. They are pray animals so they must be aware of there surroundings. I started volunteering with horses because of this experience.
I am 5 months and 10 days sober. I can confidently say I have been freed from the obsession. I will not hang out with those who are using.
I have no friends but I have learned to be okay with myself. I thrive alone, my energy stays balanced when alone. I have a great time doing things alone. I will be very very cautious of new people who enter my life. I am beyond grateful for all my online sober friends 
I have a positive daily routine. I make sure to check in with myself but most importantly I tackled the core issues that pained me. I was depressed since middle school and found drugs early in my life to try to numb and cope with depression.
I didn’t believe happiness was a real feeling to be felt on your own.
I am now going thru life happy, peaceful, and trying my best to spread kindness and positivity.
Im here to listen to anyone who needs an ear. I won’t let anything bring me down and i wish strength and peace towards the Loosid community!!! (⁎˃ᴗ˂⁎)
I know my story is very very long but thank you so much for reading and your support!!! I hope my story helps at least one person. Reach out if you just need a sober friend, i’ll do my best to listen and understand 
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Thanks for sharing and it’s never too long of a share. I wish I could write my complete thoughts out like you do TWO
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Thank you !! It took me 3 hours to type it all out. The time fly by tho lol. I hope you have a peaceful day
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Wow! Thanks for sharing. The journey to get where you are today was rough. You made it thru for a reason. There are lots of young people that need to hear your experience, strength, and hope! Stay on the path
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I appreciate you, SoberinSoFlo Lee!
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Thank you for sharing
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thx for reading !! it took my hours to type it out lol
(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) you are strong too!! I hole you have a peaceful night
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I am glad you are still with us.
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