The past four months have been the most challenging of my life. My mother’s illness and death, my husband and daughter getting sick, starting a rigorous graduate program…I decided I didn’t want to be sober anymore and sought comfort in the bottom of a hundred + bottles. I felt I needed the numb juice to feel something, anything besides the pain and frustration inside. I know better and yet I clutched that bottle like my life depended on it. I rarely feel drunk but I think thats just because my tolerance has gotten so high. My body feels it though. My liver aching. My soul screaming. Pain replaced with self loathing. My depression deepens.
I can’t continue poisoning myself and wasting my health. If I’ve learned anything from this experience it is that your health is your most precious asset, without it you have nothing. My mom wasted away to nothing. My daughter has so few good days anymore. Test after test hasn’t yet uncovered what’s going on with my husband…and he struggles daily for some semblance of normalcy, meanwhile I’m deliberately punishing myself for not being able to heal them. For not being able to make them better😭. Numbing, numbing, numbing. Floating in the bottle so as to not feel the full weight of that crushing defeat.
Tonight I emptied my last bottle. I may not be able to fix them, but my family needs me, all of me, and I can’t afford to put my own health in jeopardy. I need to be sober so I can be what they need me to be.
Tomorrow I begin the process of detoxing and once again walk the road to sobriety. I may need this community to be my life raft for a while. A place where I can find comfort with those who know exactly where I am and a place where I can hold myself accountable.
I’ve walked this road before, my foot path still worn from the last journey. I know I can do this. I know the joy and hardship ahead of me. I know it will be worth it. I’m ready.
It’s doesn’t matter how fast you get there what matters is that you stay going in the right direction and that is not drinking and staying focused on your family do it for them and yourself
Complete that graduate program
I have completed a lot in my life but I did it sober I got Long COVID and just drank and drank and drank because I couldn’t work that was the wrong direction. Since I stopped drinking I am finally getting better hopefully I will be able to get back to my profession soon
I can relate big time I’ve tried over and over for 20 years I’m that idiot J walker pushed that envelope so far if feel off the desk. Having lost everything selfishly due to this insidious disease now at a point it’s destroyed me health wise I find myself on my mothers couch at 50 years old 7 days sober all over again. My opinion is you are correct and know the drill and need to stay sober be there for your family. There still there remember that. I heard something in a meeting that designated with me it kinda went for every time we apologize our love grows stronger although on the other side it’s the opposite. Be safe and don’t drink for today!
Howdy, you have alot on your plate. I never counted until this last time. I now count the months. I'm at 17 months sober. We are all similar in that we are selfmedicating but it never fixes the problem no matter how much we try. Then for the lucky reality hits and we do something about it.
I will talk sobriety anytime reach out 
Welcome back you know what to do
Hang in there and do the next right thing and try not to beat yourself up. Tomorrow is full of promise and happiness and the past is the past. We are in a time of transition and the bottle keeps us from it li:heart:
Sending you strength! You can do this. 
Thank you all for your inspiring words. Reading them over and over has helped me get to Day 2 with no issues! In the past, days 3, 7, and 10 have been a real doozy. Hoping tomorrow is just as easy as today 
I’ll be carrying your words with me.