I spent 9 months abusing stimulants. From the beginning of April 2023 to January 5, 2024.
Tell me how I GAINED 40+ pounds using a drug that's supposed to ruin your appetite causing you to never eat causing you to lose tons of weight.
I can't even do drugs right 
On the bright side. Idk specifically what my number on the scale was the day I got sober. But from when I weighed myself a few days ago until today. I have lost almost 10 pounds. So obviously getting sober is helping me lose weight. Which is freaking weird because most people get sober and gain weight.
And people wonder why a girl has been overweight her whole life. I literally used one of the worst drugs you can use that causes extreme weight loss and I gained over 40 pounds in under a year. Smh my body just doesn't want to lose the weight. This is the body I'm supposed to have. And I accept that. And I love myself regardless of the number on the scale or the numbers on the tags on my clothes. But scientifically this really doesn't make any sense at all. If I were in fact trying to lose weight. How am I supposed to do that? Diet and exercise hasn't worked, drugs haven't worked, praying hasn't worked, lol and I somehow doubt surgery would work.
I wish I knew in my youth the things I know now. I wish I would have seen my beauty back in my teens and twenties. I look at younger pictures of me and I think dang I really was beautiful. And yet I hated myself so much. Why? Why did I do that to myself for so long? And even now. I feel like I look old. I feel like I don't look like myself anymore. And I can't see my beauty right now. But ten years from now I'm going to look back and wish I still looked this beautiful. The key to feeling beautiful is not found in someone else's pocket. It's found in your own.
Here's to using the key in my pocket to open up new doors.. or something like that.
35 days clean and serene. 35 days of busting my behind to prove to everyone including DCF that I can and will do this. That I never wanted to be someone who uses drugs like that. That I had a moment of weakness that turned into months of struggles. Months of searching for the way out. I never gave into the addiction. I never accepted that this was my life when I was using. Because I knew it wouldn't be my life forever. I knew I wouldn't stay a user forever. So I found help along the way. People that kept me sane even while I was losing my mind. I found my way out. And even now. Feeling all this pain. I don't want to use. I don't want to numb these feelings. Yes I want them to go away. But not like that. Using only prolongs the pain. It just reschedules it for a sober day. I don't want to reschedule my pain. I want to go to the appointment. Do what I have to do. And get through the pain like we're meant to.
If anyone out there is struggling and you're looking for a way out but your options feel non existent or too scary. Just know that this is not the life you planned for yourself. This is not the future you seek. You can find the strength within yourself to overcome the pain that keeps you in the cycle. You can reach out to me and I'll help and provide resources to the best of my ability. I'm not perfect. I could still fall. I could still make a mistake. But as for today. It's not on the agenda. It's not in the cards. Today I can't see any reasons in the future to use again. But that's the trouble with life. It's unpredictable. Anything is possible.