My drinking put a ton of stress on a relationship that means the world to me. Here's my conflict... I love AA and I'm doing really well in my program but I don't understand how anyone I talk to makes it seem so easy to just let go of a relationship. My ex wants space which is totally fine but at the same time, how can I just turn that to God and expect to go on with my day happy, joyous, and free? My heart is ripped apart and I'm doing my best but the racing thoughts are consuming my brain and I hate it. I think part of me knows it might actually be over even though she says she just needs time. The avoiding each other is making it worse..I go from tears looking at pictures of us together right to this vindictive thinking of sleeping with someone else to put a nail in the coffin for good. Obviously that's not what I want but I don't know how to stop thinking about it... Just venting but I'm sure someone has been or is on the same page right now who can lend some advice..
I’m glad you’re in a 12 step program. Early recovery is overwhelming and making big decisions seems tempting but is rarely wise. My suggestion is to stop trying to control anything beyond your self and not picking up a drink.
If you don’t have a sponsor, now is the time. Sponsorship is mutually beneficial. You are not a burden to your sponsor. You’d be helping save his life.
What Craig said. This is what a sponsor and your fourth/fifth step is for.
Actually starting 4th step on Tuesday 
Thanks gents!
Hi Nick , I was where you are and the uncertainty of where I stood in the relationship was contributing to my drinking . I felt the same way as you my heart raced, I was constantly in a state of anxiety punishing and blaming myself for the faults . I had to take a step back and although it was difficult today is day 23 of both my sobriety and not speaking to the person I was with for almost 6 years . I know it’s tough but it does get better . What I’ve learned is that when someone wants to be with you they will make the effort they will not walk away . I’m learning to love myself again as I had lost myself both in the alcohol and the relationship. Stay strong I’m here to lend an ear . Prayer has helped me .