Today has been the positive reinforcement I needed to know this life of recovery is what I need. Shelby and I took Elliot for a short outing and the day felt more "normal" than any we've had in the past few weeks.
Yesterday was a reminder of why emotional sobriety is so important for me after it culminated in Shelby becoming so low she blamed herself once again for all the things I've been throwing in her face. My own insecurities and self-hatred have been projecting outward because I've been too cowardly to look inside myself and mend what needs mended internally. I have been coming to terms with how awful I've been to her and made the realization that in order for us to ever move past all this, I needed to be honest with her and make her feel justified for the resentments she's been building up against me.
When I am scared of losing something, I have a tendency to grab on so tightly I become controlling to the point of suffocation. Shelby has had a life of being controlled, and I was inadvertently becoming the type of force in her life I swore I would show her she was safe from. I need to fix myself and let her live her life - that is the only way we can become the powerhouse I know we are destined to become.
With my sobriety and efforts to eradicate my own shortcomings and character defects, I can be the man she needs and has deserved her entire life. I can be the man that shows her what true love is supposed to look like. I can be the man that breaks the insidious cycle she's had to endure up until this point.
I will not drink today and will continue to look at the broken man in the mirror and see where amendments need to be made.