I need to remember that past mistakes have consequences and even if I think I'm doing all I can in the present, those past mistakes can still bite me.
Today was going very well until I started to have ruminating thoughts around feeling like I'm not being offered any help from Shelby. I have made too big of an issue out of small things in the past, often in a passive-agressive manner, so her first assumption is going to fairly be that I am falling back into old patterns.
I was making us lunch and cleaning the dishes needed to prepare said lunch and feeling like she was watching me and not offering any help. The habitual thoughts started to sink their claws into my brain, and I was off to the obsessive races.
From my perspective, I took the time I needed to myself to clear the garbage thoughts and continue with meal preparation, during which I overwhelmed myself by trying to do too much at once and becoming frustrated at the situation. From her perspective I was angry at her before and after taking a moment to myself and the frustration at becoming overwhelmed was directed towards her and I was being passive-agressive. She had no reason to believe otherwise and I just ended up making the situation worse by trying to explain what had happened.
My past ruminations caused this because I didn't have the emotional capacity to face the thoughts head on in the past - I stewed until I boiled over. I just have to hope that if I continue to show her I am changing, the past transgressions will be outweighed by my sober thoughts and actions of the present. I'll try to be more transparent with her in the future when the ruminating thoughts begin and hope it doesn't start an argument. I need to also remember that I can't change how anyone else reacts or what they say, I can only do what the best version of me is capable of and know I'm doing everything I can to change and hope it eventually catches up with the present.
I'm not going to let myself spiral on this or try to fix the situation by becoming overbearing. I'll give Shelby some space and continue doing what I know I need to and hope that's enough. I can't let myself retaliate with frustration because she has every reason to believe I'm not making the changes I need to and being dishonest. Hopefully she will eventually have the proof she needs to see I'm changing for the better, but I need to remember that's going to take time.
I need to remember that I can't force her to do anything and we have different approaches and expectations of what needs done around the house. I need to find a better way to express my feelings in a way that doesnt lead to arguments, which is what I will focus my thoughts on this afternoon. I hate what past me has caused, but know I can't change those actions of the past.
One day at a time of doing the right thing and staying in the present moment is all I can do. Not getting upset with myself and feeling like I can't do anything right will also not help my cause, even though that's all I want to do right now. Instead, I'm going to focus on what I need to be doing for the household, Shelby, and myself to get us to a better place. I also need to find peace in knowing I'm doing all I can to better myself because I don't know what more I could be doing than that.
I will not drink with you today.
