After a rocky end to last week, this week feels like it is starting off on more stable ground.
After a late-week relapse last week, I had a great weekend with my girlfriend Shelby and my 2 young children. I was able to stay mostly in the moment and not fret about things I cannot change. Luckily Shelby was there to ground me when I needed to be grounded - she is amazing at calming me down when the day-to-day seems too heavy to bear. I also had the constant reminder of why I need to keep my sobriety with my kids. I'm glad I was able to - mostly - keep a level head and show them the love they deserve from me. Too frequently have I let their need for constant attention stack on my own self-involved issues and compound into a resultant dad that's too quick to anger. I did have one moment with my son which I regret where I got too upset with his inability to cooperate and that's something I've been reflecting on so I can react in a better manner in the future. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and try my hardest not to repeat them.
I also took a step for my sobriety that I have been too nervous to take in the past - getting a sponsor. In the past, I've never taken that step because there was always that insidious nagging monkey on my back telling me that was too big of a blockade if I ever wanted to go back to drinking - which I knew I did. It feels like this will be a great fit, and I'm nervously excited to properly work the steps for the first time with someone who has achieved long-term sobriety. I'm looking forward to learning from him.
Life is still scary, but I can only focus on what I am able to change and try to forget the rest. I'm hopeful for the future in a way I haven't been in months - hopefully that feeling sticks around.
I will not drink with you today.