God Doesn’t Want You to Live That Way.”
As I described my state of mind to my new AA sponsor, telling her about my chronic, crippling anxiety, she responded, “God doesn’t want you to live that way.” I’ve always lived life in some degree of fear: anxiety, insecurity, worry, dread, terror. My sponsor’s words suggested to me that perhaps there was a way out. Perhaps I could experience freedom from fear. Perhaps I didn’t have to stay miserable. I grew up in a cult in which powers greater than myself were harmful, even life-threatening. As an adult, I had difficulty imagining a Higher Power who wanted people to experience her love, rather than her power to destroy them. If anything pleasant happened to me, I could never trust that it wouldn’t end in calamity.
The effect of my sponsor saying “God doesn’t want you to live that way” was similar to hearing “You never have to drink again” at my first AA meeting. She introduced a radical, hopeful idea into my beleaguered mind. I was stunned. I thought, “If my sponsor tells me nothing else useful, this is plenty.”
I don’t remember what the concern was, whether my health or perhaps a relationship with an employee, but a few weeks ago, I was feeling a lot of fear. I wrote in my journal, “God, dread is not how you want me to live, right? You want me to trust you and be happy. If outcomes are in your hands, then doom is not imminent. Greatness is imminent. Blessings are imminent. Bliss and freedom are imminent.” Thus reminding myself about God’s gifts, I was able to relax about the future. Over time, I’ve been able to progress more enthusiastically on the Twelve Steps, and I continue to “outgrow fear.” I like myself more because I have a God who isn’t out to terrorize me. As I practice the spiritual principles, I think consciously about whose care it is I’ve entrusted my life to. If I’m scared, I check to see whom I’m worshipping: the terror-monger of my childhood or the loving God of the Program. I’m soothed when I remember that this is a new life with a new God, one who removes fear and gives comfort. I am repeatedly thrilled, comforted, and uplifted when I remember that God doesn’t want me to be afraid.
—Anonymous
