I haven’t reached a month of sobriety in a long time, and I was SO close…At first, I used but it wasn’t my DOC, and I attributed it to just a pill for my extreme nerve/back pain, so I excused it as a slip. But what’s worse is that 2 days later I picked up again, and relapsed/used it consecutively for several days :(. I’m saying idk what happened bc I was feeling SO defeated and truly desperate for sobriety prior to this (the relapse before) - that relapse was a wake-up call I had like no other. I really felt different on that day 1 compared to other day 1s.
I really thought I finally had the gift of desperation and finally let go and let my higher power/God/Universe take over. I was SO willing to actually follow through this time; I felt I had no other choice. I did all the things I had to until one day I just didn’t (?) I haven’t told my sponsor, despite talking to him & mucking while this was happening (feel ashamed of that), I lied to my loved ones too…
If anyone can help answer any of these, it would mean the world as I’m spiralling, and honestly losing a lot of hope in myself….
Where had my faith in sobriety and my HP gone all of a sudden? Where was that desperation and willingness I had? Should I come clean to my loved ones about this long relapse? I feel so ashamed to do so. I am going to tell my sponsor… I’m also starting to think after years of being in the program and yet chronically relapsing, perhaps I need a different program of recovery? Or more help along with AA/CA? I don’t even know what that could even be. Taking any and all suggestions, or comments. Happy 24 & Ty for for reading this if you spent the time 
You are really giving yourself a severe beat down. I get it because I have done the exact same thing. Try and hit the breaks with all the overthinking. Do what’s right. In the end it will w always feel better. Coming clean may be difficult, but walking around carrying all the horrible shameful feelings is poisonous to our souls. Our ego’s get in the way of us getting honest. Drop the pride and humble yourself. You are just human. You have an illness. It ticked you…again. That’s exactly what it does. Don’t run for other programs and sponsors. Just go pick up a white and let’s get back on your recovery journey. Give yourself a break
I really do overthink (clearly lol). Thinking gets me into the worst situations… Thanks for the reply 
I was a chronic relapser for 15 years. Now I’ve 14+ solid years sober. I just got tired of burning my life down, lying to my loved ones and lying to myself! Once I absolutely & completely surrendered to absolute honesty, the program, life got much easier fast! Early Morning & night meetings everyday was key. I told on myself to my sponsor, AA friends and loved ones. Secrets are poison for me! I even feel like guzzling cognac right now🤣. See? Now I feel better
Thank you honesty it is🙌
Get yourself a female sponsor. Stop being hard on yourself. Keep your a$$ at meetings and hang out with sober people as often as possible. Stop worrying about higher power nonsense and simply try to stay sober. That other shït should you choose to accept it, can be down the road a little. Just rely on real people who know where you're coming from.
Be good to yourself but also be rigorously honest. Don't büllshit yourself.
You aren't special. There are thousands of people just like you trying to make it, fücking up , just like you. Don't trip on it. Do things differently this time. Only you know what those things are.
Thank you for this 
When you want to be a student and listen to the teacher you will win Are you really done with using..You know what to do so do it.
Well when your ready to surrender your will and life over to God things will work. When you start justifying your reasons to use things will fall apart. Stay grounded in The recovery program and to the work pray often and when you feel down pray some more. Keep away from people places and things that would cause you to use
Me too. Especially difficult when we are encouraged to share our experience and yet not be self centered Lol!