Depression snuck up on me. Sometimes I am unaware of how I'm feeling and it leads to my downfall. It was a miserable sloppy drunken weekend and I'd like to remind everyone of the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental anguish that always accompanies a binge. I'm back on track though. Told my outpatient program what happened and they let me come in tonight and have a lengthy chat with the clinical team. I intend to be more active in sober communities from now on. Here's my start! I don't totally believe this but I'll say it anyway - I can stay sober and I can heal! I can do it!
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I have a similar experience with depression sneaking in and I don't realize it til I've relapsed. For me, taking nightly inventory has helped me recognize when depression is starting to show back up and it not surprise me
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Thanks for sharing Jake. That's a good tip 
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Take it one day at a time and keep coming back.
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Did things get better for you? I've never heard of anybody that went out because of depression or anything else that came back and said that things got better for them.
People relapse because they believe the lie; that this time, everything will be okay. But it never is, is it? Next time you think about drinking you need to play the scene all the way forward.
You might feel some relief temporarily but sooner or later you're going to be right back where you are right now carrying around more guilt knowing that you accomplished absolutely nothing. And now you have to start all over.
I have another question. Before you picked up the first drink, did you call anyone?
Yes you can! If I can you can. Day 38 is almost behind me. Again.
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No problem! I have a 20 question extended nightly that I can message you if you'd like
You can do it!!! I relapsed too because I wasn’t paying attention. I struggle with depression from time to time as well. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing going on in my life that alcohol will improve. And that if I pick up I will go right back to where I left off. That was not a good place!! Our disease never gets better. Only worse!!!! I have a choice today. And I choose a life where things are truly possible!! Hang in there Sarah!!!!!!
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I didn't do it to feel better, more to escape. And things of course didn't get better. I played the tape and it didn't stop me. I didn't call anyone and that's why I'm trying to be more open here and with other sober people so I have a support network to reach out to next time. Not just chat but people I call regularly.
Depression is my major trigger too. Like you, I often can't tell until it's too late. There's a clinical screening tool called the PHQ-9 that has just 9 questions and using that once a week has actually helped me identify a depressive trend before I feel it; sleep and appetite are the key indicators for me.
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Thanks Brent! That's helpful 
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Sure!
Thank you Eric, I really appreciate you sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Escape, feel better; it's all the same. All I can tell you then Sarah is if you played the scene forward and you chose to drink anyways then that means you wanted to drink more than you wanted to stay sober.
Having said that, it sounds like you do have a desire to stop drinking. I totally get it. I was a chronic relapser for many years. I thought that I really wanted to stop drinking and I guess in a way I did but I didn't really sit down all the way and take all the advice that was handed to me until many years of being out there, allowing alcohol to beat me into a state of willingness.
The last time I came crawling back through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. My attitude was "please help me. I'll do whatever you say."
They simply gave me the same advice that they had been giving me for all the years beforehand.
90 meetings in 90 days
Get a sponsor
Get phone numbers and use them
Start taking the steps
Get active
Starting in 2002 I was sober for almost 9 years and then I relapsed in 2011 because I too had believed the LIE; that this time, everything will be okay. But it wasn't. I came crawling back in 2014. I did everything they told me and haven't looked back. That was 8 and 1/2 years ago.
It's different for all of us. It takes what it takes to get us to where we need to be in order to recover.
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Thanks Dave. I really appreciate you sharing this.
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