Day 12 - 🥺 Depressed & Struggling w Marriage Problems

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#1

It’s day 12… again. It’s been rough.

My husband is mad at me because I want our roommates (that use and drink) out so it can just be me and him. He thinks it’s a stupid move financially. So we had a huge argument. He slept in the camper last night and I haven’t seen him or heard from him since.

What am I supposed to do with all this hurt and fear? I used to just get high before. Now I just have to sit here feeling less than. Knowing that financial wiggle room is more important to him than providing me a healthy environment makes me question my whole marriage. My head is spinning I don’t know what to do, feel, or think.

I did my self care today and Im still crying a lot. My heart feels broken. I wish he would just come home and hug me. But I know I won’t get that.

How are we supposed to cope with the lowest hardest days? I feel like I’m gonna fail. My desire to stay clean and sober is literally ruining my relationship.

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#2

Sorry you’re going through this. Yet, sobriety is a selfish program. Hard to stay sober when you are constantly around those who are using. Hope you can figure out what you need to do. It’s your life. Our disease doesn’t want us to be happy and content. It wants to kill us. Tough decisions lie ahead for you. Stay strong and sober and eventually it gets sorted out. Are you plugged into something? Have you tried reaching out locally with others in sobriety?

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#3

Deep Breath...your desire to stay clean and sober is awesome... chin up! Be proud.
O2-28-2OO2

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#5

I was in a similar situation with my roommates and what helped me was bringing over a sober friend to sit outside with me when they were being most open about their use just so I had an anchor. If no one can come try making a distraction basket. Mine has a small craft like crochet, my favorite snacks, a charger and headphones, a book, fidget toys and I put a motivation Playlist that reminds me of how I want to feel. I know how hard it is. If it makes you feel better everyone here is rooting for you.

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#7

Jane, those are fabulous tips!

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#8

I’m so sorry you are going through this, Crys. It’s just awful. Trying to stay clean and sober and then this on top of it is really difficult. If you feel his priority is money over providing a healthy environment, then that is not cool. Your health does come first. You recognizing this and how you feel about it is a huge accomplishment. Give yourself some major credit for recognizing your feelings, what’s going on and knowing that you are putting your health first. You are doing great even in a rough situation. It’s okay to feel exactly what you are feeling. Take extra good care of yourself. Sending a virtual hug. :green_heart:

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#9

Crys,
Things are going to work out as they should. Know that you can’t control how your husband feels or reacts. What you can do is just not use. Sit with and move through the feelings. Feelings aren’t facts. If he is going to be upset, allow him to be upset. In the meantime, practice meditation, read, or find something to do with your hands. I took up woodwork and knitting (as a dude!). My mind can check out if I can get my hands focused on doing something else.

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#10

Crys,
Sounds like fear of not getting what we want. I’d do an inventory check to see what’s my part in this resentment. Putting aside what the other person has done and look at my part. What did this resentment effect? My pride?self esteem? Ambition? Pocket book? Personal relations? Fighting never solves anything. I would get mad at my ex wife over the dumbest things. Now I wish I could have been a little more kind and loving. Little less selfish…
Your husband my have sone fear around money. So we can calmly talk about what the fear is, without arguing. We can put up boundaries that are to protect our sobriety.
I’ll pray for you and your husband to get through this.

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#12

Play out your day and say you used then what? You feel horrible you did and feel more guilty that won’t make it better. I always try to think ok if I do that then I will feel like this and is that worth it for a few minutes? Not at all. I would just go have an honesty conversation and put each other in the other shoes and just speak calmly to each other and try to find an understanding. Good luck :two_hearts:

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#13

He got home around 11pm. Drunk. He drove 35 minutes home from the bar by his shop in his huge diesel truck. Thank God he made it home safely. He was puking out the window in the middle of the night. It was “his brothers bday”. :woman_facepalming:t2:

This is behavior that I felt was normal before. Now I’m like… disgusted.

Thank you all for your feedback.

Reached out to a friend about sober living bed availability just in case my environment becomes REALLY uncomfortable.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do, but I’m definitely done arguing.

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#14

Crys, heart hurts for you. This sucks, understatement. I left a relationship because ironically the man who helped get me to get serious about sobriety ( he did not drink himself ) ended up being emotionally abusive. Anyway. It is painful to realize that your partner may, will not be a part of your sobriety. Kudos to you for being proactive, reaching out to your friend and lining up a sober living alternative. You are smart and as has been mentioned, everyone is rooting for you. There are great suggestions here while a concrete plan involving an alternate, different living situation sounds smart. Wish you the best. Please keep us posted. Today is your Day 13? You sound like a warrior. Because you are, Crys.

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#15

If you being clean and sober is ruining your relationship you are maybe in a marriage that needs work. Hang in there.

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#16

Just don’t use or drink, that will only delay facing the inevitable. You are strong, courageous and deserving of a happy and sober life. You will lose people in your life that you thought would be there to support you because those relationships were formed in your addiction and the new you won’t serve them and they won’t serve you any longer. Lean into that, stay sober, connect with a sponsor, find something your passionate about and focus on that. I threw myself into my horses and now I live in a ranch in AZ. Your life on the other side of this is something more beautiful than you ever imagine so keep God first and take one step at a time.

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#17

Sober living helped tremendously! It’s hard at first but being surrounded with like minded people changed my life!

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#18

You may need to take a stand. Go to aa meetings.will help.meet people and friends and get involved in meetings.aa. Org .:dromedary_camel:

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#19

Change is a MF when your early sober, im looking at complex trauma, i think that why I did drugs and drinking, all my relationships were doomed, from codependency, it childhood stuff that follows you around, shame based stuff, it comes up after you stack time, I have 12 years yesterday, and the isum or my thinking, keeps going left while I turn right, a drug or a drink takes it all away but it comes right back, just sounds like Disfunction, look at Tim Fletcher on You tube, root answers, why do I fall and drink or use..

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#20

Some time we have to throw our selfies in to meetings every day.just to get through it.listen to people.make friends.:dromedary_camel:

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#21

I noticed that any problem not dealt with is doubled and tripled if a relationship is involved

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#22

He's scared too and I don't give a lot of advice because I'm so new in my sobriety. But I know for fact that using will absolutely make the situation worse. You can do this ! Not easy, but so worth it :blush:

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#23

Go to meetings for your self.get help from other women .change .it is your sobriety.not his.take a stand for your self.aa. Org. For meetings.