Day two…really struggling to cope with the consequences of my breakdown from last week. I have been struggling with severe depression and postpartum anxiety. I didn’t realize how bad it was since I just kept trying to push through, and would drink to numb it all.
When my “rock bottom” happened last week I was hospitalized for self harm, while intoxicated. I loathe what I have allowed my life to come to. The confrontation that night with my boyfriend was so loud that the downstairs neighbors called the police….ultimately because of that incident and other prior noise complaints we are now being kicked out of our apartment. My boyfriend blames me for everything that has been going wrong in our life and relationship, and while I am a big part of the problem I am absolutely not the sole source of conflict. He has his issues too…..
But now he says this is the last straw, that he doesn’t care where I go just to get out, and that he will be buying a townhouse for him and the baby, but that he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I am completely crushed thinking of having only partial custody of my sweet baby, she is barely five months old and she is basically the only good thing in my world 
losing her even partially is too much pain to bear she is my life and my everything and the only thing keeping me going! It’s hard enough being away from her just at work each day, and I am standing in the bathroom at work now writing this because I don’t know how I can keep it together He gave his word when I left in the ambulance last week that he would never take her from me! I provide 95% of her care he never gets up to help with her at night this isn’t fair and it’s not fair to her!
Why, just why, when I finally say enough is enough and commit to change he checks out. I know this is hugely my fault because of last week but it’s just so painful.
Im willing to prove myself…put in the work….all of these things…..but I guess sometimes it’s just too late?! I really don’t know how I will get through this. I can’t face this, I can’t believe this is happening.
