Dealing with loss

Struggling Help
#1

My first love and one of my best friends after we broke up disappeared 11 years ago yesterday.

Kendell and I spent 2 years of our young lives together. We were both 18 and in love. When we split we remained close friends. On December 11th, 2011 Kendell was last seen going to his favorite spot in Castro Valley, CA. His mental illness caught up to him while out there. He ended up hanging himself. When the search and rescue team found him on December 17th, 2011 he had been there for almost a week. Our old roommate called me and told me the news.
I can still remember where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. 11 years later and I’m still angry that he did this. I’ve tried to make peace with it. How do I make peace?

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#4

This was very helpful and kind of uplifting. You’re right! I should try to be the strength I wish he had. I do feel his presence sometimes. I appreciate your kind words. I am so so sorry for your loss❤️ but your words today give me hope so thank you

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#6

I am with both of you. A year ago I lost my wife who died of suicide. She was in AA with me and we had three of our happiest years together. I am getting professional help to help me with the grief/healing process. Don’t hesitate to ask for help.

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#7

I understand.. not having closure is traumatic in and of itself. I had a friend that just disappeared, it’s been yrs, you just never quit wondering and grieving is almost impossible because there’s a small part that still has hope, even tho you kinda know better, the hope won’t let you fully grieve or let go.. painful.

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#8

For me with terrible pain it’s feet it until it’s not there as much. I cried for at least a year when my ex took my kids from me.

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#9

I don't have any satisfying answers and I'm sorry that your friend committed suicide and you had to experience this.

I will ask you the same question my sponsor would have asked me.

What can you do to change this right here and now?

If you can change it, change it. If you can't change it then the only other option is to accept it. It is what it is and it was 11 years ago. I'm sure it was a great loss to you but it's wasted energy if you mourn too much about it. And you sure don't want to drink over it even though that may not be what's on your mind right now.

Having said that, a little mourning is OK and normal.
You could pray for acceptance so that you can move on. Sometimes things happen in our lives and are out of our control.

Pray, pray, pray!

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#11

Hang on! You got this!

#12

Well, the first thing it takes is acceptance and we need to bear in mind we can’t control the way someone else acts thinks or feels that is a terrible tragedy, but you need to release it somehow before it takes away your sobriety take that from experience

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#13

My one brother was a very very heavy drinker. He would not surrender to recovery even when he got cirrhosis of the liver he was in denial that he had it. He passed away early in the morning on July 6 basically drank himself to death. I still miss him, but there’s nothing we can do when someone else makes a bad choice the claims their life.

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#14

I was hoping that would not offend anybody, but I think laughter is good medicine

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#15

Hey Jamie, when a friend of mine passed away a while ago I was introduced to the cycle of grief. By thinking of that I could move from denial, anger, etc. Eventually to acceptance. I'm sorry for your loss, however long ago.

#16

We all deal with loss... it os part of life... it usually doesnt truly define me or my feelings

#17

So sorry for your loss I lost my dad in march of 19 I’m still not over it

#18

Work through the five stages of grief. They have helped me in the past.

#21

I am so sorry for what you have gone through and are going through. I lost my wife and three family members to cancer in the past year and I just wanted to curl up and just not do anything many times. I totally understand your sorrow, anger, fear. I just try to remember the good and what good things my family members and wife brought to the table.I wish I could be mire helpful but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and there are people you can lean on here.. We’re family my friend.

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#22

Where is your anger directed? At your friend, yourself, the situation, others?

You feel, which is a good thing. When my best friend took his life I became depressed which lead to my alcoholism... So, don't do that!

Sometimes it helps just to recognize and accept how you're feeling.

#23

When I lost my wife in 2012, I was a wreck, I couldn't imagine going on without her. A part of me was ripped away, and for awhile I had a hard time coping with the loss. I got lots of support from friends and family, but I felt lost, like I will never love again. Today, the best way to honor my wife is to stay clean and sober one day at a time. Is it easy, NO, but it's what I have to do.