Dear Meth,
You were tricked into my life by a supposed best friend. Unbeknownst to me you slipped
an invisible noose around my neck at that first introduction; smiling to yourself because you
knew what she had done. My friend traded our friendship to bring you into my world. I didn’t fall
in love with you right away but instead we dated slowly. We danced a few times and stayed up
all night on other dates. I allowed you to seduce me to fall for you. Tio protect my growing love
for you, I began to lie. Lied about my intentions and my whereabouts. I began to push aside
anyone who would figure out how much I was falling for you. I used my management position at
Dunkin as an excuse to see you more. I used that job as an escape to be away from my
children and to be with you. Meeting in the bathroom, the cooler, the dumpster and my truck for
a quick rendezvous. I wasn't ashamed of you at first but more content with you being a secret.
I had not yet realized that you were becoming just as dangerous to love as any of the abusive
men that I had chosen in the past. I fell head over fing heels for you and you knew that I
would. You tightened that noose around my neck like a beautiful diamond necklace.
To make things even more fun for you, you introduced me to your twin shake. Now I not
only had a love for you like no other but I began to like the thrill from the creation of shake. My
love for you blinded me into becoming part of a triangle, an unhealthy sick triangle that buried
my soul and made me forget who I was and anything that I cared about. I tried to maintain my
image and you allowed me to think that I was, how insane is that ? You, my friend, are the
ultimate gaslighter!
I allowed you to seduce me further away from all the good things in my life. You waltzed
me right into this dark place all the while disguising it as a gateway to be a better Alisia. You
made sure that I needed both you and shake. You allowed me to spin circles with shake
because it strengthened our relationship. You love control but what you love more is
manipulation. You loved standing by and watching me destroy my life like a movie you have
seen hundreds of times. You loved blinding me to reality. My love for you was strong and you
almost choked me with it. You cackled as I traded my jobs, my kids, my family, my friends, even
my vehicle but worst of all myself to be with you. I managed to escape that triangle and I
severed that option for you on my own. I came to realize that shake had no place in my world
and neither did you for a while.
So you waited...and waited….and you let me believe that I had defeated you. You let me
go to meetings and see what experience, strength and hope could do for me. But you saw the
cracks in my recovery so you waited...You waited for the days to pass and for my shame to rear
its undealt with head. You waited for my lack of self love to allow influential bad people into my
life. Then the day came that you had been waiting for; I saw you and without a second thought
we began seeing each other again. Slowly at first because I had my guard up. I had ran so far
away from you the first time I hated even the smallest glimpse of you back in my life. But oh
how I loved how you put pep in my step. How you would sit with me at night and quiet my lack
of self esteem and confidence. How you made me feel like I was accomplishing more. How you
made me brave, made me feel more beautiful. As much as i hated you, you had this ability to
make me love you at the same time. You were so capable of making me feel like I was my best
self.
But that was just the honeymoon phase. I wonder did you have it planned all along? Did
you laugh so hard you cried when I stayed in my peer collaborative and began to feel like a hypocrite when I was hired to help people with their own recovery but had allowed mine to slip
through my fingers ?? I know that you were mad that I left you out of the trip to disney but i am
so happy that i didn't pack you because you did not taint that trip. You didn't taint that
unforgettable vacation with my children. No sooner did I come back though and you launched a
counter attack so quickly. I had turned down Justin for months, six months in fact because I saw
a red flag. You made it disappear. You took my walls and crumbled my hesitation with every hit,
every line. Every lie that I believed, every thought that I wasn't good enough for any better of a
love. You were so happy that Justin was your ultimate bodyguard! No way would i be able to
expose his abuse and torture without exposing you as well!
So I stayed. Lied to myself and told me that he didn't mean to hurt me. Told myself that
there wouldn't be a next time. Allowed myself to believe that was the only love that i deserved. I
sought out your comfort more and more and you basked in my pain. Now I was double noosed.
I can imagine you grinning like a cheshire cat when he threw me headfirst into the ledge and the
candles didn't break when my head hit them. Rolling with laughter when i had to ask permission
to leave my room; when i had to beg for something to wipe the blood from my face. How about
the night when i almost escaped out the backdoor but with my hand on the doorknob Justin said
“ your not really going to leave your son here are you? “ DId your stomach hurt from laughing so
hard when i let go of the doorknob and returned to my bedroom to get beat like a bad dog? Bet
you got a big kick out of me inviting him to Thanksgiving at my parents where he charmed my
dad and then went to his parents where i felt awkward and uncomfortable. I couldn't even find a
shirt to wear that day that would cover the bruises. I longed for you in the worst way that holiday
but instead i ended that thanksgiving by getting hit so hard in the face that my “ bell was rung”
while sitting at my kitchen table. I needed you more and more at this point. This is when i really
stopped being able to function. Function as a recovery coach, function as an addict who could
stop using long enough to pass a drug test. Because at this point we still had probation fooled
to only having me come in once a month. Then Justin crossed the line when he broke my
orbital socket. You knew he could not be your keeper of secrets anymore; that he was more
harm than help. You were there for me then to nurse my wounds and to wrap your devil arms
around me and take me further down into the depths of my very own personal h@#$
I couldn't breathe...the noose was tightening. Day by day. Night by night. My job as a
recovery coach was dangerous for you so you took care of that. Made me believe that i was
capable of working two jobs. Made me use my near death experience with Justin and all the
chaos and trauma as an excuse why I was late for work, constantly tired and living in fear. Sure
these were true symptoms of what had happened to me but they were also symptoms of you
taking the wheel and driving me faster and faster towards the edge. I handed everything that
had importance over to you day after day. Any trepidations that I had of committing to you fully
again were gone. Days, months, years of recovery gone! I had jumped that fence fully and
couldn’t even catch a glimpse of the grass in the rearview mirror. I chose to be blind to the fact
that my life was a horrible existence with you in it. I traded the ones who had been behind me
on a daily basis to ride with you. You and all the shitty shenanigans that came with loving you.
I didn't want to quit you. I didn't want this trial separation that was forced upon me. I
didn't want to say goodbye to you. But I didn't want to feel that noose either.
How hard do you ask was that fall from grace?
I have explained it without a smile on my face
How had i once stood tall and proud,
Forever laughing and being a good loud.
I had fought for my kids, my recovery too
Yet i let you tighten that grip
Until i started that trip
Up a mountain my rental car did climb
And I had to wonder if I would make it out alive…
How do you forgive yourself for putting your soul away on a shelf ?
In the dark, no light to be found.
Stumblin, cursing, trying to find a way out.
At first it was my choice
To stop ignoring that inner voice.
Threw away years of sobriety just to say oh woe is me ….
I can not let you keep me in the shadows. I have made my way back out of your grip
and I will stay strong and get stronger each day that I am away from you. You see I am grateful
that I relapsed because it forced me to unlayer myself and get to the root of who I am. Your not
powerful anymore. I won”t be back.
Sincerely not yours anymore
Alisia
One year sober today