Different approaches

Struggling Help
#1

The differences in how my wife and I are approaching sobriety are starting to cause some personal friction.

I plan on getting a sponsor, so that I can work the steps with complete understanding and complete dedication. My wife likes meetings and the fellowship that comes with them, but feels a sponsor is intrusive, and wants to work the steps in her own way. Our goal is the same; a lifetime of sobriety.

I keep my feelings to myself when she criticizes a program that is going to be critical to my sobriety. I want to support her pursuit of sobriety as she needs it to be. But, I'm scared that when I have achieved my spiritual goal we will find ourselves completely different people and less connected.

I'm selfishly scared that I will not get closure for the wrongs done to me if her attempt at making amends is rushed or not done as the step was intended. I understand that is my own hang up, but it is a strong hang up.

Has anyone else had similar situations? How did you navigate them? Were there ever drastic character differences, and were you able to work through them?

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#2

I haven’t been in that situation but I can’t definitely see the problems coming but you never know :pray:t3:

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#3

This is where the serenity prayer comes in. Our suffering comes from expectations. We can't control other people's actions or decisions. It seems like you're being honest about being on different paths, but, acceptance it's the key.

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#4

Sadly couples do not ALWAYS withstand the relationship with sobriety as we do using .

We grow up an change as you know there are no right or wrong way to do sobriety just not pick up . One second at a time is how I live been alone 7 years on purpose . Good luck to you both :pray::two_hearts:

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#5

I have a sober group- twisted recovery ❤️‍🩹
It’s a baby but we’re growing feel free to stop in anyone and please tell your friends were saving lives

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#6

I’ve found that in my own journey, when my sponsor wasn’t available, I’ve tried to google some things to move forward with my studies within the steps and it’s just not possible. A big part of a 12 step program is that you cannot do it alone. Self will is not enough. The people that make it though alive are the ones that make meetings and get a sponsor. Simple as that.

I haven’t made it through all the steps yet but I would recommend just keeping your side of the street clean and focus on doing the next right thing. I’m coming up on ten months sober and I’m never going back. Good luck to you sir and I’ll keep you in my prayers.

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#7

Both of your approaches and attitudes may change with time. You never know. For now, try to live one day at a time, don't live in fear of future events that may not happen, and don't be afraid to set a boundary with her about your program and how you choose to approach it.
My experience has been that meetings and fellowship are important, but the real meat and bones of recovery is in the Steps and having a good sponsor to guide you through them.
You both are experiencing sobriety together, but it doesn't mean you have to experience it the same way. Take care of yourself FIRST.
As always, if you need help or support, reach out to us or your support system. We are here for you. :pray::raised_hands:

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#8

Thank you everyone :pray:

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#9

Your journeys to addiction were different, and your journeys from addiction will be different. Give her some space, do what YOU need to do. Don’t expect her to make amends, she may never do that, or she may do that in her own time. It is important for you to make amends, but don’t put demands or expectations on her. You both don’t have to go at the same pace, or approach it the same way. The main thing is staying sober and supporting each other without expectations.

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#10

Recovery is about growth. There’s stuff in Into Action, To Wives, and Family Afterward that would benefit you both. What’s important now is that you do the work and make amends regardless of what she does. It’s your recovery or you might just drink. You might just grow out of the relationship. Concentrate on the serenity to change the things you can. All 3 of those chapters can benefit you both.

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#11

Best advise I ever received in this program was to focus on my sobriety only. Looking at others only takes my focus off of me. Just do you boo!! Respect each others choices without criticism ie: don’t focus on how you think anyone should work the program and ask her to do the same. Trust the process. :pray:t4::muscle:t4::two_hearts:

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#12

Ugh this kinda breaks my heart because I'm going through something kinda similar. Like what a lot have said...recovery is a personal journey. And neither of you should get into each other's program or way of recovery and certainly not criticize it. When my partner was ready and working a solid program, I criticized it!! What an asshole I was!! That was 100% my addiction talking. I wasn't ready

But now we are both working a program but at different paces and separately. We talk about what we can and sometimes just agree to disagree. But yes, my fear is also that we will grow apart. And the sad truth is, is that I can't do anything about it. We can't control people, places and things right? So here we are...all we can do is prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and know that what is meant to be will be. Totally easier said than done because I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it lol. So I understand. Wishes you the best :heartpulse:

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#14

Thank you so much. :heart:

#15

:pray::pray:

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#16

This! If I remember:

"Everything in my life is exactly the way its supposed to be, whether I like it or not".

If I have a God, a higher power in my life...then every thing will work out the way it's supposed to.

If I work on MY sobriety. ..then I don't have to work on HER sobriety.

It's always easier to fix the other person..than work on ourselves. Too bad it doesn't get us anywhere but it does build resentment.

#17

Yes I have difficulty with separating my ego from the spiritual in the 12 steps. It helps to share it with others. I am glad you’re considering getting a sponsor.

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