Disappointments + toxicity

Recovery
#1

Too many disappointments to count, especially ones from the past making a vivid comeback in my psyche. Real troubling for someone who is trying to enjoy the present moment and feel hopeful + excited about the future.

Living with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their erratic and abusive behavior but I am being forced to be nice and neutral to keep from conflict and useless arguments when they won't budge from their delusions about what happened and what they did.

My sponsor is trying to shift my perspective on people who harm me to a mentality I used to have. The longer I am sober, the more i find it to be a mentally ill perspective. She said people who mistreat me have something to teach me. Although its a provocative thought, it isnt true for me.

But i could tell she was trying to push it on me a bit. I think she may have been being a tad biast considering one of the ppl i spoke to her about, also happens to be another one of her sponsees - but also i think it is because of the way her sponsor taught her and she is trying to relay and / or transmit the same ideology.

That perspective was very dangerous to me. It made me glorify people who were harming me and stayed in toxic relationships that ultimately crushed me and hurt me in ways that would have never happened if after their first offense or second offense, i simply cut ties with them. Most of them werent lifelong relationships, but new people in my life.

Its easier to understand if someone Ive known for awhile does something wrong to me because that usually meant something strange was going on with them. But really - the apologies for it are what matter the most to me along with changed behavior - she wants me to learn something from people who mistreat me without any apology or acknowledgement given for their behavior.

Any thoughts on this?

3 Likes
#2

recovery is my personal choice and suited for my needs. I frequent AA meetings but I don’t have a sponsor.

2 Likes
#3

I have learnt that toxic people are everywhere. Learn what you can and slowly your perspective changes. When many of us were in action we were toxic to others and ourselves. We could not see it though. When I was told off I could not change.

Today, things are different. We do the work on ourselves with the understanding we can not change other people, places and things which are not in our control.

We can change how we act. We slow down, think things through better, make better decisions and disconnect when needed.

Disrespect is information that someone else may not be fit for who you are becoming. Sometimes saying and doing nothing is the best solution.

But this way of thinking may be wrong for some people. For me, it allows me to have a higher level of serenity. Serenity is priceless.

#4

I’m curious what the lesson is supposed to be. Patience? Kindness? Better boundaries?

Because honestly, if someone continues to mistreat you and nothing changes, it’s hard to see the value in staying connected to that. You said something that stood out to me: an apology comes with changed behavior. If the behavior keeps repeating, there isn’t much growth happening.

This journey takes time. Sometimes years. We all heal at different speeds and move forward in different ways. At the same time, treating people with basic respect isn’t something that addiction, pain, or hardship gets to excuse forever.

You sound very intuitive and pretty grounded in what your gut is telling you here.

If protecting your peace means having fewer relationships right now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Recovery is sacred. The people around us should support our growth, and bring out the best in us. Most important person here is you and your happiness, peace of mind. We're here for you.