Divorce is on the table

Struggling Help
#1

I have been sober since February 2021 and it’s been an amazing journey. Sadly, it has not seemed to have saved my marriage - she has 15 years of resentments built up while i was drinking, and constantly flips back into huge outbursts of anger that make a continued relationship feel impossible. we have three kids and we just went through our second move (new cities) in two years.

I don’t want to let them down but I also know i’m a better person, father and husband (or ex-husband) sober. I will need support in the times ahead but looking for connection to folks that have traveled through these burning waters.

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#2

Hey Matt, my name is Jacob. I have been clean from drinking alcohol for 10 years but my addiction for my DOC I do not know changing your people, places and things and getting people out of your life that you drink with or go out with or anything and I know I’m practicing what I’m preaching and what I’m saying, but I hope that this would possibly help you in the long run  what I have learned on this application is that others are here to help  I may not be the best one at a certain point in time but I’m always here if you need to reach out and that goes to anyone else 

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#3

I’m currently in the same position in my relationship although she has been with me through 6 years. My love has grown for her even more since I’ve gotten sober because I had the realization that she’s still there.. but she still has all those years of resentment and recently lost her mom 6 months ago at the age of 46.. I got my fourth DWI three months after and I messed things up really really bad. We’re actively working on things and continuously talking about things I’ve done (although they’ll be extremely uncomfortable for us) and I’m also actively changing my thoughts and making them into actions. THE ACTIONS of what you and her want will make things better!! They will help you the most brother.. it’s up to her if she wants to move forward or stick and stay. Continuously show her you’re going to change if you’ve truly made the decision to do so .. they’ve been there through our worst and deserve the sober, better you.. read articles online or pick up a book to see what SHE expects from you.. We’ve always ran away and avoided things in our life but now is the time to make things work For Your Family. Talk to her, and don’t fight it all by yelling With her when those grudges arise.. she’s pissed!!! You and I know so, but it’s all the pain she’s gone through with the person you’re trying to change. Look inside yourself and start going through those motions. Take leaps of trust with the people you know want the best for you and try and eat that constructive criticism!!! You have to if you want to at least keep your family.. remember, it’ll never be as it was before.. but it can be better or worse.

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#4

Matt, all I can say is that I just went through this, kids, house ect. At first tried to make it work, but then realized damage had been done. Long story short, we have better relationship now as Co parents than ever. I admitted my wrongs, owned up to it, then the divorce, custody became a more simple process. If I would of tried and be hateful ect, I know the out come would be shi!. Point is it's better to have a good to great relationship after than losing everything. It's blunt but hope it helps. It's OK to go separate paths.

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#5

It is definitely a family disease. It sure would be a lot better if your wife would be willing to recognize this and be willing to go get some counseling herself and eventually the two of you together.

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#6

Hey Matt, it’s not easy. Been through it 3 years ago - divorce. The struggle is/was real: 3 couples counselors, anger (I own it- I was the angry one)- with an avoidant in denial of his own addiction. We have 2 kids. It’s better now than ever. We get along and share custody. I have still sober- 5 years.

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#7

Give her her space and replace it with spending extra time with your children - maybe they have questions or might benefit with time alone with just you I have been in the same predicament but drinking will only make it worse for everyone no matter how long it’s been don’t go back continue going forward have a cup of hot chocolate with your children

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#8

Have you tried couples counseling? I dealt with the same resentments in my marriage as you. Sadly, before I could convince my wife to come to recovery, she died of the disease. It is my hope that whatever problems you're having can be solved with a little work.

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#9

I hear you. I had to end my 16 year marriage ( still going through it…) after being sober for awhile. I hope that you attend AA meetings, and would encourage your wife to go to Al Anon. I asked mine to go, but she insisted that she knew it all. I’ve had my doubts along the way, but when I spoke with her on the phone yesterday, it was clear that I had made the right choice. My son is still angry with me, but I know that God and time will change that… Good luck, and reach out at any time.

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#10

My self and ex-husband both got sober after a decade of drinking/drugging people change and yes resentment comes in big wave’s after 17 years I pulled the plug on it … never needed closure or weird figuring out why I changed, no kids just so easy to split …

#11

Hang in there. It’s a tough spot to be in

#12

Some really great replies and support from everyone. I don’t have much to add, but I’m also here to support you thru this. You are doing all the right things. The past is done. Make your amends, and live a good sober life. Your kids will eventually see you have changed. Your spouse may or may not. As others have said, you can’t make her forgive. I personally dealt with a lot of this with my spouse. Forgiveness is a process, takes time, and comes and goes. It doesn’t just go away. I wish you the best my brother! Your sobriety is amazing!!

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#13

Great advice here. Keep ur head up. Good luck. Take care

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#14

Maybe some time away from each other?
And get some professional counseling with someone who understands family problems in relation to recovery. Just a thought.

#15

Going through a nasty divorce myself. Made my mistakes. Can’t change what happened. Can only work on today for a better tomorrow so I can demonstrate that change