I finally called for help. I cant keep drinking like a fish. Bad for my health. So next step, including prayer, is get some outpatient help. I feel alone.
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The first and most important step is surrounding! 
and you are doing just that. Be very proud of yourself. God has a purpose he is a faithful God xo
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Get to some AA meetings. The people will not just understand but, KNOW your feelings. Even if just on Zoom. Listen to the other's stories. It is often that you will hear a bit of your own life from other's. NO ONE goes to AA or IOP cause they having a great day. We go cause it is last option. Last hope for living. Reach out to those who want to help you. You will find them.
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How are you doing?
Sending prayers your way
You've took a major leap and that's asking for help. Get to meetings, get a sponsor, get a BIG BOOK and a 12 and 12 and get to work. We are all here for you on your journey.
Lorna you’re not alone. I’ve been there and felt that. You have us!
I’m 15 years sober and I’m excited for you.
I’m here if you want to talk
Have you tried aa meetings?