The past few days to about a week I’ve been feeling like I’ve been living on autopilot and just going through the motions. There’s a part of me that’s not in a severe dissociative state. Yet there is a part of me that is consistently in this weird dissociative state without it being too severe. The reason I’m bringing this up. Is because it’s making me want to use. I feel my emotions very intensely even when I’m not feeling anything. So I’m just kind of nervous of the possibility that I could start using. I’m doing all the right things going to my meetings and working on my step work. I’m also talking to my therapist and doing what I need to do to help my mental health. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around things and try to make sense of it. I guess I’m just also nervous that I’m gonna do something more permanent. I keep finding silly excuses to wanna do something more permanent. I just wish I could get myself to feel something different other than feeling nothingness, whilst continuously being in a dissociative state. While not having to find it with using substances.
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