Had an argument tonight that started with my wife suddenly accusing me of being drunk when I got home from the gym. I was not. It morphed into a talk about her needs not being met because I'm not fostering enough closeness with talking. (On my best days a challenge for us outside of recovery.) I'm not disputing her feelings, and trying to hold space for it. But on my end, I feel like I'm trying really hard, doing the best I can, working hard, and being told I'm not doing enough for the relationship, and when we talk recovery, all I hear are the questions about what MORE am I doing. I'm feeling discouraged, like I'm just not enough, and questioning if it's OK for me to want some reassurance and acknowledgement of the work I am doing. 
Sorry to ramble. I'll be starting tomorrow with a good bit of meditation and group. This stuff is definitely a drinking trigger and I'm determined not to head down that road.
Derek
I'm not a marriage counselor but I have been around for a while, I am happily married and I am a recovered alcoholic.
I don't know your history when it comes to drinking but I do know that it takes time to build trust with our loved ones. So when your wife accuses you of drinking you're going to have to understand that this is going to take some time for her to trust you all over again. You can also take it a step further by purchasing her a breathalyzer for less than $100. You can tell her that she's welcome to test you at any time.
As far as meeting her needs regarding the relationship is concerned. You're going to have to tell your wife that you're going to do the best that you can but right now getting sober and staying sober is a big priority for the whole marriage.
Men and women are different animals. Sometimes you just have to spend a little time listening to them in order to meet their needs. Lot of times women are not really looking for answers. They're simply looking for someone to listen to them and talk with them. It took me many years to understand this. Like I said before, they're different creatures than us guys are.
If you ask a guy how he's doing today he'll probably reply and say "hey I'm doing great how you doing?" Typical response. But if you ask a woman how she's doing, chances are she's going to give you the rundown on how things have actually been going today. LOL
I don't know if I helped you at all but feel free to ask me any more questions and I'll try to help you out the best I can. Try to take a deep breath when you're around your wife.
By the way I hope you're at least going to some meetings a few times a week during your new journey into sobriety.
I think it’s easy to get defensive, take it personally and make it worse. Maybe it has nothing to do with how you’re acting and just her insecurities with the whole situation. Maybe suggest Al anon for her, ask her how she wants to be reassured, maybe make lists of how each wants to be reassured.
Hey man, I went through the same arguments, sideways looks, and doubt from my wife when I got sober. She didn’t understand the struggle, and feelings I was going through. How could she? She wasn’t an addict. It took several months for her to see the changes and that I was truly trying to be better. I would say it was almost 8 months before she started to trust me fully again. All we can do is what we can do. Asking and listing to what she needs is a good start. But also don’t let her walk all over you. Boundaries need to be set by BOTH of you. And need to be respected. My wife and I did weekly check ins. How are you feeling? Anything I can do to help? Any fears I can help alleviate? It takes time man. Patients. Show her the progress don’t tell her about it. Good luck
Great replies Dave, Sophia, and Tim. Listen more and speak less. There is nothing you can say that is going to make her “understand” or take away her feelings of betrayal and anger. She needs to vent and let it out in order to heal. When my wife would vent, it felt like an all out attack. Everything was bad. Nothing was good. I was never any good. I never did anything in my life good. I was always selfish. I never cared about her or the kids. I was never present. She would throw in everything she could think of and exaggerate all of facts. It’s hard to with thru this attack and not correct her, or point out positive things. However, in doing so I was invalidating her feelings. She felt I was minimizing my behaviors. At 13 months sober, the attacks are less frequent, and less intense. I acknowledge the harm I caused and do feel remorseful for causing her so much pain. However, I no longer identify with the person she is attacking. I don’t feel all of the shame and guilt. I have empathy that she is still struggling, and want to help her and support her thru her healing process. Keep going to your meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, get counseling for you, her, and/or both if possible. In the end you can only control you and your recovery. Give it time. You will see her struggle with trusting you one moment, and then not trusting you the next. Let her work thru this. It takes time. We are here for you. Please feel free to vent anytime.
She sounds ungrateful! You deserve better.
Thank god I’m single.
Great comment Tim.
All good points.
Thank you for the thoughtful replies. What a journey!
Thanks. Just giving what was given to me freely.
This sounds odd but all couples therapists use The Gottman Method by John Gottman. If you want free therapy and are able to read for 5-10min per day or listen to audio tracks, it will do wonders! It simply sounds like she has trust issues understandably from the past that needs some healing. You need to just acknowledge a few things to her and voila! Back on the same page. It’s not too big to overcome. But when both parties aren’t seeing eye to eye, it seems impossible! I’m pretty sure you both want the same end goal though. So there is hope!
I’m going thru similar situation with my wife. Reading your post it almost felt like I was reading my own story. I feel like it just takes time to earn that trust and i myself have never been good at communicating so I have been trying really hard to improve on that. Other than that what has been working with me is just taking it day by day and showing my wife that I am taking my sobriety seriously and day by day things have been better. Keep strong Derek you got this!
Here here. Thanks for the encouragement, and you got this too!
I am just getting used to this life of sobriety. My wife took her own life after three and a half years of sobriety for both of us. I wish I could offer help. All I can do is to hear you though. I understand how hard it is to apply yourself to the “n”th degree and be judged. It’s hard not to join the enemy and judge oneself. There are at least three sides to any dispute.
Perfect answer.
I really believe we all go through this. They all have lost so much faith and trust in us. It takes time. Just DO NOT DRINK. Maybe you can get her to attend Al-Anon meetings. Thanks to zoom you don’t even need to leave the house. There are also sites that you can just listen. Family I believe is the last to understand how hard sobriety is to do. I finally told my husband things that I never did. Like how my hopefully last relapse happened. He seems to finally understand this. (I Hope). But I will never know for sure. I just need to stick to my program. Try to just have a calm conversation with your wife. If you are serious about your sobriety nothing should make you drink and definitely go one step further and buy a breathalyzer to show her. Just keep on keeping on One Day At a Time. 
My husband says the same thing … they have lost trust in us and who can blame them … as far as being a trigger I totally understand… I am not a therapist but if she continues to see you engage in productive activities she may even join you and then see for herself !!! That’s what happened with my husband and now he joins me at the gym and we are connecting better than ever !!
So hard to get trust back but it does get better.