In a month and a half. I'll be a year C+S Some days I'm really nervous, others I'm super excited and prideful. I'm trying to stay humble about it all.
I've really been fretting over what my life looks like in sobriety. Recently I've been keeping myself busy with a job function. So I'm engrossed in something that is consuming the majority of my time. I'm growing in the position, I'm being acknowledged by peers, I'm starting to feel solidified in my first attempt to ever be sober and clean.
My thoughts have been acting at me. I think about what's going to happen when I get bored. This boredom will spoil out into my existence.
In my past, when things seem too good to be true and I start succeeding in anything. I have The habit of of sabotaging my own success.
And I have no idea why I do it. It's like some weird statement to remind myself that I'm a piece of s*** and I'm not good enough for anything...
I subconsciously do that. I can see it in my behaviors as of this past month. In this past week, I'm not grateful, I'm not in prayer, not speaking to God, I'm argumentative with others. Just two days ago I caught myself screaming at somebody and belittling them. Everything that was coming out of my mouth was a dagger.
I really don't want to lose this. I'm really having trouble convincing myself that these anxieties are just fears of the unknown. it's all welling up because I know the Easy Way to 'make it okay.'.
Can somebody please tell me that I'm not alone. that at the end of your first year, you've gone through this too.
Because I feel like I'm crazy. Like I know I'm on the right path.
I know I can do this. I am just in my feels right now and it is just crushing all of my confidence..