I didnt recognize I had a problem until I started seeing it worsen my mental and physical health. Problems with my ex-wife, mental health issues, and work stresses added to the burden of wanting to escape. I tried AA, outpatient rehab, and even in-patient. It still led to my divorce and moving away. But I landed on my feet. That separation helped me heal. I found another job I loved, completed my divorce, felt connection to my family and even fell in love again. I felt like myself years ago. I felt renewed. Now I live closer to my mew partner, have a job I enjoy a lot… And yet I’ve had my benders here and there… I think because I feel the sadness again. The weight. The lack of confidence and self-doubt. I focus on the problems more than solutions again, and it has me stupidly relapsing again.
Most recently was last week. I felt sick and drank too much. I felt the shakes, the sweats, I felt pins and needles… I feared for my life again and I felt the shame from before that had not crept up in quite some time.
I felt so down after finding out my grandfather passed on New Years. Living alone makes it easy to feel like drinking is okay. I focused on how I didn’t get to know him, or my other grandfather. How he died alone. I have one grandmother left.
But no more. I can’t do this again. Becaue I am genuinely happy. I love my partner tremendously. She brings me such joy and believes in me. Her love is so genuine and pure for me, that I know I need to cherish it truly. I love my career. I have so much to live for. I struggle with my mental health, but I promise to work on it.
I need community again, and I feel like I can do it. I actually feel excited to jump back into sobriety, possibly start meetings and find a sponsor again.
I just want the physical effects to tone down. Once I feel like me entirely, and deal with my grandfather’s passing, I know I am ready to dive back in. I can’t turn back. I am doing this for family, for her, and most of all for me. I don’t want to feel what I’ve felt before. The darkness. The loneliness. The desperation in rehab.
Thank you all in advance for this. I am grateful to be here and I will work for this and make you all proud too.