Getting sober means getting honest. For three decades of my life I suppressed my negative emotions. I tucked my past traumas into the deep dark abyss of my mind and was under the impression that it was forever locked away in my own private vault. Subliminal to my perception of reality my traumas shined through like a crimson red flag. My past beaming through to my present day for all to see…. Everyone but me; living in my own illusion. With each void of emotion, mental stability, spiritual connection, and physical objections, down and down the rabbit hole I went. Filling my voids with a temporary solution to a disease I refused to acknowledge…Self medicating through alcohol, s3x, drugs, and lies. It felt so protective and safe from the possible hurts and harms of those that could never understand from my perspective…until it didn’t. I lived elusively. The elusive Q, hidden in the shadows to handle all of my worries and cares alone yet to watch everything crumble to bits and fall apart one by one as I continue to grasp control tighter and tighter on my life.
When I began my recovery, it was a journey of finding my true and authentic self. “What is honest?”, “Who am I?”, “Are these my thoughts and truly how I feel or is this how I think I am supposed to respond and feel?” I had come to a realization that my entire life was built on adapting and appeasing to my present, surrounding, environments. It seemed to work great in my career. I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio in “Catch Me if You Can”. That is who I was. I grew up in isolation for most of my life and never gave myself the opportunity to develop individuality. I was traumatically broken. Treatment helped me break this cycle and begin to be a somewhat soft foundation but so much ground to be broken before true work could begin. For the first time in my life I was safe in this bubble where I could truly be open and vulnerable without fear of the critical and lack of understanding. Regardless of the consequence, I had to take a quantum leap and be my most vulnerable self. And when I did my surrounding world of that time gave right back what I had given to it. True fellowship, peace, serenity, happiness, and satisfaction that lasted as long as I did the work. My connection to my higher power became so real. A world that showed me that it was safe to be me and the more I embraced myself and allowed self compassion, forgiveness, healing, and love, it did the same in return as long as I chose to accept it and with everyday it was new. The worries of yesterday were yesterdays and the struggles of tomorrow would be there when I got there and slowly but surely all that was left was to live for today. One sober day at a time.