Getting to the Beginning

Struggling Help
#1

So, I've been doing Meth by way of IV & Fentynal pills & powder (or better known as BLUES & FETTY) for a little over a year now...I have successfully gotten and stayed sober from 2018 to 2021 by way of methadone clinics so I know what it takes to start and stay sober...

This time, however, I'm suffering from some health related issues (masses or tumors found during an MRI of my brain summer before last) and I ended up in a full blown relapse as when I moved to Seattle to go to college I had only myself. I have 0 friends & 0 family here in the entire state. And as everyone knows, packing to and moving without a vehicle & an income is close to impossible.

Anyways, I'm 30yrs old and have never been in love before. I met my SO on November 1st, 2021 & have been with him ever since. Only issue: our bond was built on using drugs.

Now, he's 44yrs old & never been sober a day in his life. He's also unmedicated living with schizoeffective disorder. This might not he a problem on it's own but mixed with fentynal and meth... It's a HUGE issue :warning:

He struggles with hearing things that aren't actually being said, it ends up being a huge problem for me as I get the brunt of the violence that ensues these episodes. However, I love him DEARLY & it's even more physically painful to even entertain the thought of leaving him. I know this is unhealthy and am well aware that this is not how I deserve to be treated.

He isn't like that all the time though. He can he such a beautiful person. Anyways, he has a heart condition where it's going into failure from a leaking tricuspid valve. If we go into detox and then treatment there is a 60 Daffy black out period and He's already talking about his he doesn't think He's gonna last to summer. 60 days of black out not to mention separate living arrangements where I don't get cuddles or even intimacy anymore is NOT how I want to spend his last days.

He needs this surgery for his heart but he needs to be clean off meth for 4 days to pass his UA. I'm stuck in this situation where if we go to detox and come back to where we live now it's gonna be all for nothing as we live in a supportive housing building where they literally give away paraphernalia and clean syringes at the front desk. And not to mention our plugs LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING AS US!!!!

What do I do? We have a son together also who was taken by CPS because of the drug use. So I have a family with this man too. But like I said if He's really only got a couple months left to live I don't want to spend it living apart in a facility especially in a blackout period for 60 days.

By the way, this is a family focused facility that lasts for a little over 2 years with a 3 step program going from live in residential (in which I get to bring all 3 of my children with me, although the decision is ultimately up to the facility and they CAN say no) to sober living ending in after care. Altogether taking a little over 2 years to complete.

Any kind of advice would be appreciated and welcomed. Thank you, everyone!

Love & Light to you ALL!!!

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#2

Miriah, that’s a lot to process. However, the right time to get sober is today. All of these complications and issues are a direct result of dope/alcohol. Remove the drugs and get in a program and things will improve. There’s always going to be a reason to delay. I suggest you don’t fall for it. My disease constantly tells me that I don’t need to quit while it takes more and more from me each and every day. Don’t listen to your disease.
This is my experience.

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#3

You’ve got a lot going on Miriah. There’s no magic answer that is going to solve all of this. So much of this is out of your control (powerless). You truly can only control one thing…YOU. There’s a few sayings in the rooms that come to mind. First things first, and keep it simple. Take care of yourself (your sobriety) first. That is truly the only thing you actually have control over. As for keep it simple, your situation is overwhelmingly complicated with a lot of moving pieces. Keeping it simple is just about staying sober today. Do the next right thing, and stop trying to figure it all out. You can only do you, the rest is not in your control. Wake up and say the serenity prayer. As you go about your day, stop and say the serenity prayer every hour on the hour. Set your alarm on your watch to remind you. Go to meetings. Start focusing on the solution. I pray for you and your family. I don’t know the outcome, but I do know the best thing and the only thing you can do is to stay sober

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#4

It’s about you. Do what is best for you and everything will fall into place. As you know you aren’t much help when you aren’t sober.

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#5

I agree with everyone else. You gotta worry about yourself right now. Get sober and come back and see what pieces are left to put together. Success rate of sobriety with things the way they are? Looks pretty grim.

Please get to meetings asap and get squared away for you and ultimately your kids.