Looking back today I’m so grateful that I ended up with 2 DUIs within a year. I lost so much. Time I’ll never get back. Money gone. Freedom taken away. 4 trips to jail. License suspended. Fired from a good job. Endless hours of community service, classes, court, probation, meetings. Fees. Thousand and thousands of dollars gone. Trauma and pain I caused my family and specifically my kids. I almost lost everything. It caused the court to not go easy on me and I’m glad they didn’t. It’s weird saying that now because I was so angry at the time. Getting that second DUI really opened up my eyes. Dealing with the fallout of that made me really take to heart some of the information I was receiving. I eventually and willingly admitted I was powerless over substances and my life was totally unmanageable. I wasn’t grateful at that time and I didn’t realize how grateful I should be until recently. I’m so grateful now that I really want to write thank you notes to every law officer, court, or program that I encountered as result of my addiction. I’m so grateful for that era of my life because something stuck. A week ago I felt so isolated and alone. I hadn’t been in recovery for 4 years. I’ve just been trudging along. A week ago something happened that brought up feelings that previously triggered me into downward spirals of substance abuse and trying numb those feelings. I got angry. I cried a lot. I prayed. Then the urge to numb came. I decided right then that I’ve done it that way a million times and that I wasn’t doing it my way this time. Honestly, I think it was God answering my prayer and telling me what to do. I knew where my way would lead me. I sat with those feelings. I prayed some more. I decided there was nothing I could do. Even if I could do something it would have to wait until tomorrow. I gave my worries over to my God and I fell asleep at peace. The next morning I woke up with such peace and thankful for my life. I realized those feelings were just feelings. I didn’t feel the need to numb them and that they’d still be there after I tried numb them so it would be pointless to even try. I decided that just for that day I wasn’t going to worry about yesterday or tomorrow. I told myself I would focus on doing the next right thing. So I came back because I knew if I didn’t that eventually my willpower wouldn’t be enough and my way never works out. I’m so grateful for all the trouble because if I had not gone through it then I’d probably still be trying to do it my way, deep in addiction, or dead. I’m grateful something stuck and I’ll keep coming back. I’m excited and grateful to be back in recovery.
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