Yesterday I shared one of my secrets with my home group. I’m grateful for the love and support I received. This is definitely a we program. It may seem selfish at times but when we gather enough time under belt, become honest with ourselves and others we begin to feel emotions and develop a deep connection with those who struggle just like “we” do. Life gets better in sobriety but not always easier.
I will share with all of you what I shared last night. The closer I get to God the more the thoughts of suicide have been popping up. It’s been about the last couple weeks. These are just thoughts. No plan! Even at 31 months of sobriety I’m finding myself at a wall again. This happened at around month 4-6 and again around month 14-18. I don’t have any urge to drink or use. With the new living situation, actually feeling my emotions, completing one year of celibacy, my construction business having ups and downs, and having no time for self care I found myself thinking of an easier way out. I became RID- restless, irritable and discontented. This lasted about 2 weeks.
On Monday I had a meeting with my sponsor and his sponsor. We each did a check in. I was compelled to tell them what was going on with me. I was glad to have received lots of support and love from both of them. After the meeting I did an 11th step- nightly review. I was able to use this step to look for resentments, fears, and any old behaviors that may have cropped up.
Sure enough I have some resentments, fears, and even some sexual inventory. I’m not getting what I want. This is the base for all of my fears and resentments.
This is what’s causing the restlessness, irritability which in turn has spiked the thinking of an easier way out. Now, I need to actually do a tenth step around these- which consists of steps 4-9. I will be setting time this weekend to write out a mini fourth step.
As a result of sharing, 11th step-daily reprieve I’m able to get back on track and be grateful of where I am in life. By the grace of God, the fellowship of AA, AA as a whole and two men I can call friends I no longer have to worry about said thoughts of ending my life.
I have tools at my disposal to live a joyous life. One day at a time.