I have come to recognizes and need to acknowledge a consistent contributing factor in my relapsing has been grief. Unfortunately it’s an element to life you can’t escape and sadly it’s not only unavoidable but even more prevalent when dealing with those of us like myself that suffer from the disease of alcoholism and or addiction and not just as a result of the alcohol and narcotics itself but from the lifestyle.
There are different types of grief and categorizing my grief is complicated to say the least and combined with the trauma I have experienced in life and in loosing my mother and my son and only child in my arms on May 29,2020 from the disease of substance use disorder I had to admit I couldn’t get through theses losses with the program I had been working previously. It just wasn’t going to work anymore and it didn’t.
Once again I found myself knowing there was a better way to live but keeping myself stuck in the isolation of active alcoholism and addiction simply because I refused to believe I deserved any better.
I had the gift of sobriety and the blessing of a life in recovery but when the hardest times in my life were upon me like the loss of my mother and son I reverted back to my old ways every time. I knew that left to my own devices I would surely pick up again. I couldn’t do it alone because not only had my thinking gotten me into this mess, it had never, and I mean never, ever gotten me out of it.
I had finally come to the conclusion that I would need help and that for me self pity, deep grief and resentment combined with the fear of the future and the horror of the work that needed to be done but that I had spent my whole life running away from simply had to be done and if I didn’t do it , it would again and again be my undoing.
I needed to stop the cycle of getting sober, working a program but only so much just to find myself using again. I ultimately needed to truly and completely change the person I brought in but how to do that when you don’t feel worthy and you are so extremely guilt ridden that you are still here lliving and breathing when your beautiful boy that you lived for and was absolutely everything to you was gone ?
Needless to say It would take nothing short of a miracle.
I needed to subscribes to a mindset of self-awareness based on what my needs and personal boundaries are rather than what others think or what I think they think. I needed to stop making my recovery, relapses and life about everyone else and somehow make it about me …. not Ryan’s mother, my brother’s sister , the daughter, caretaker , people pleaser or anything and anyone else.
I had to stop doing it for anyone else and do it for myself even if that meant as they say I had to ,” fake it til I made it.” The first thing to change was my narrative and the second was to focus solely on self so to start …
Today I spend time everyday multiple times a day in prayer, journaling , meditating and in meetings, scripture and talking to other recovering addicts alcoholics. These are the most important thing for me to do, that and I believe a huge thing for us all to do , whether in recovery or not, is to continually list what in life you’re grateful for and on the top of that list is that I have started to ask for help and that I’m receiving it.
I know for myself the most difficult part of this will be in forgiving myself because until I can and do exactly that I will continue to hang onto the guilt, the shame, the remorse and the resentments which inevitably leads me back to self destruction and actively using every time.
My reality today is the grief over the loss of my beloved son drives a lot of my life right now and denial isn’t going to change that. There is no decision to be made or choice in it, it just is but I also know I can change and what it will take and that for me is to be open minded , rigorously honest , humble and most importantly a willingness to remain teachable. I am committed to not just remaining clean and sober but to get into and continually, repeatedly if need be go through the 12 Steps and in doing so maintain my sobriety and recovery by staying connected to the program and others in it.
The fact is sobriety and recovery are two different things for me anyways but I am so extremely thankful to have experienced some of both and so extremely grateful for the opportunity to expand on them but I have to say the best part of this is that neither one  depend on myself or anyone else determining wether or not I am worthy or deserving of it. The only requires as a matter of fact is a desire and Lord knows I have that.
