When my mum went into a coma… I really wrecked it when she died on Xmas… then I lost my sht completely seeing her mound with her beneath it and the funereal bouquet of the wrong flowers placed right on top of my fck up cherry. It took me another week of being delivered bad product that wasn’t even getting me high anymore to realize I hadn’t help sh*t just messed my life up some more. So now I’m freshly sober again… feel like a fake. I’m trying and am gonna do my best to stick to it. But I feel so lonely this go ‘round. Not many people left…
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There are tons of people "left" in recovery. You don't have to do this alone. Plug into a group of people who can remind you during rough times that the shït you wanna do isn't gonna do anything but make things worse.
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.
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One day at a time and reach out like you just did with your post. You are not alone and never will be when you're part of a community like this one.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Hey Monsta, I'm so sorry for this pain you've felt and maybe are still healing from. I had a similar experience when my uncle passed Christmas Eve, and also took a destructive path which didn't help me at all either. Remember though, those 9 months of sobriety are still a part of your life and we can live in sobriety moving forward. We're all in this together, and I hope you find a good group of local and like minded folks to grow with.
All my best to you Monsta.
My early relapse strengthened my resolve to stay sober so sometimes it can be a catalyst. Keep contact with sober people, we all get it 
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s so hard. You are lucky to be able to start over and be sober. Seize this chance. You can do it!!