so i used to be addicted to opioids and dxm plus self harm which released like natural opiates to my brain. i’ve been sober for a year but ten days ago i had a lapse. i’ve been going through a lot lately and i was at my friends house and i noticed he had loperamide. normally when i notice opioids in a persons house i’m able to just look past it nowadays, but this time my brain just went on autopilot and i took a lot. like waaay too much. i went home and felt like trash and i woke up the next day, which was scheduled for orientation/training for a job i was supposed to get but i was too sick from having taken so much to even get out of bed comfortably and my mom didn’t understand and was understandably upset and frustrated that i wouldn’t just suck it up and go because to her it just seemed like i had a bad stomach bug. anyways i wasn’t able to even reschedule it because when i called to do that no one answered i only got background chatter and then they hung up on me. and i’m having really bad urges to relapse and just say screw it and go back into the deep end, but at the same time i know better than that and how miserable i was, but i also still have this crappy monkey brain that thinks it’s gonna fix all my problems. idk if i’d qualify for like suboxone for the cravings (probably not lol) and naltrexone doesn’t stop cravings for me anymore and i’m scared it’s only gonna get worse until there’s only monkey brain and no rational brain.
i mean just notice how much how unable you are to show up for things you’d like to off of one lapse. it’s not worth it to continue to use. the guilt, shame, bad mornings — you can choose better for yourself. you may not be able to get out of bed, but you can choose to stay sober while in bed. like it’s already proven to be a bad idea why go into the deep end if you know more sadness is there? i know the mind plays tricks on us but you’re worth more than how relapsing makes you feel.
thanks. that helps a lot plus i feel like a part of me knew that but just needed to hear it. i’m trying my best and i think i’ll be able to get back on track, it’s just lately i’ve had some things happen that remind me of really dark times in my life and the self destructive side of me felt like that meant i was doomed and it’s all exactly like how it used to be and nothing changed and i wound up in a spiral of “i put in effort with no change so why try” and my therapist called me out on that and now i have a lot more clarity.
As cliché as it sounds, “take it a day at a time” and give yourself some patience and tolerance—you made a mistake and now you have the opportunity to learn from it. I’ve tried meds to help with cravings too but what really worked was doing a 12 step program to the best of my ability. The best way to get out of my own “monkey brain” was to follow my sponsor’s suggestion to the best of my ability