Happiness is something I have sheltered myself from feeling out of paranoia of being taken advantage of or it's stolen away from me or used to manipulate me. I am beginning to realize I am the only person capable of stealing or manipulating any feelings I have. Also that I'm the only one with the power to allow others to take advantage of me. So moving forward I'm no longer willing to let fear protect me from happiness but rather letting happiness dissolve my fear. Being vulnerable enough to express my emotions regardless of negative or positive will be a source of supreme happiness for me. I've trained myself so well to be indifferent that I now worry it will take me a long time to redirect The habit to be able to express myself honestly in realistically. The world is not my family I don't need to be afraid of anyone or anything except for allowing myself to be the shutdown terrified child in the corner. Wondering what I did to be treated like this and trying to fix it, instead of standing up and saying no you won't treat me this way.
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I’ve been abused my whole life. I’ve now built a wall
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The way I responded for most my life is fixing the problem making others more comfortable sacrificing myself. I've learned that's where alot of my self worth and esteem issues stem from. So I am putting boundaries in place to build myself up and avoid pandering to others at my own expense.
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I have complex PTSD so alot of my writings center around the way I interact with the world which recreate familiar abusive and toxic relationships.
Dont let anyone lead you to believe that they are more deserving of happiness than you are. The person that wants to hold you back will triumph over your misery.
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This is soooo reflective of you doing the work I understand this so much
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